I leave the punnage to native speakers, you British are way too good at it for others to have a go. 
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The 'Are you naughty or nice?' Seasonal Babble Thread
- Thread starter Petra Fyde
- Start date
- Watchers 2
- Status
K
Kiminality
Guest
Being good at it isn't necessarily a good thingI leave the punnage to native speakers, you British are way too good at it for others to have a go.
One day (just before Christmas, probably), Good King Wenceslas decided that he was fed up with the food at the palace, so he phoned up his local Italian restaurant for a takeaway pizza.
"Certainly, your Majesty" says the Manager, "Would you like your usual"?
"Yes please," replied the King, "same as always - deep pan, crisp and even"
"Certainly, your Majesty" says the Manager, "Would you like your usual"?
"Yes please," replied the King, "same as always - deep pan, crisp and even"
Being good at it isn't necessarily a good thing
I beg to differ......................
A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to the loan officer.
The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?"
The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money."
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says, "Okay, what's your name?"
The frog says, "Kermit Jagger."
The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"
The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."
The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummm...do you have any collateral?"
The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?"
The loan officer says, "Hmmm...I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager."
The frog says, "Oh, tell him I said hi. He knows me."
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not ever sure what it is."
The manager says, "It's a knick-knack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?"
The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money."
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says, "Okay, what's your name?"
The frog says, "Kermit Jagger."
The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"
The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."
The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummm...do you have any collateral?"
The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?"
The loan officer says, "Hmmm...I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager."
The frog says, "Oh, tell him I said hi. He knows me."
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not ever sure what it is."
The manager says, "It's a knick-knack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
S
Seasseragh
Guest
Umh... sorry to interrupt - anyone else here saving logs of the journal, using UOA and having troubles since the last patch? It seems to turn itself of every time. Bug or feature?
K
Kiminality
Guest
Probably another side-effect of the "Norton fix"...
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.
Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then,looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
So Arnold says........
"I'll be Bach."
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.
Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then,looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
So Arnold says........
"I'll be Bach."
*Runs in and bends down on one knee to catch his breath while nervously looking behind him*
I've just tried to nick a big turkey from the supermarket.
A security man ran after me shoutin, ''hey wot u doing with that?''
So I shouted back.................'' roast potatoes, peas, carrots, mash and gravy''.
*Heres the sound of approaching security guard boots and makes a break for it - returns to pick up the turkey - runs off again*
I've just tried to nick a big turkey from the supermarket.
A security man ran after me shoutin, ''hey wot u doing with that?''
So I shouted back.................'' roast potatoes, peas, carrots, mash and gravy''.
*Heres the sound of approaching security guard boots and makes a break for it - returns to pick up the turkey - runs off again*
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door.
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon.
There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell... oh, the glorious smell!
"Look Pepe," says the first man. "It's a bacon tree!"
"You're right!" says Pepe, "We're saved!"
Pepe doesn't wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"
And with his dying breath Pepe calls back: "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree after all..."
"...its a ham bush!"
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon.
There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell... oh, the glorious smell!
"Look Pepe," says the first man. "It's a bacon tree!"
"You're right!" says Pepe, "We're saved!"
Pepe doesn't wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"
And with his dying breath Pepe calls back: "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree after all..."
"...its a ham bush!"
My apologies for the length of this, but it's worth the read. My eldest daughter sent it to me and I just about fell off my chair laughing.
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair And now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right sideof my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself .... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. **** !!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. **** ! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
*Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!!
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......Now thats funny . Notttttttttt
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair And now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right sideof my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself .... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. **** !!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. **** ! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
*Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!!
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......Now thats funny . Notttttttttt
Someone posted this on Siege, I thought I'd share it with you lot too.
[youtube]WGtYLazlvfk[/youtube]
[youtube]WGtYLazlvfk[/youtube]
Funny! 
*Waves back to Oz* Hope your lag is bearable! Had a killer of a lag spike here last night...
Yay!! Could finally dye all my armour agapite thanks to such a lovely slime!
Yay!! Could finally dye all my armour agapite thanks to such a lovely slime!
S
Scrumpy Jack
Guest
Jack, it may be worth cutting back on the Scrumpy if you're going to keep falling over like that
Evening All
I finally got the last of my christmas shopping done - after taking my ounger brother out to get his stuff.
I'm never going into Milton Keynes in the last week before christmas again.
Evening All
I finally got the last of my christmas shopping done - after taking my ounger brother out to get his stuff.
I'm never going into Milton Keynes in the last week before christmas again.
Merry christmas all!! Leaving home again to stay wiv parents till Monday, so have a wonderful time all!
S
Seasseragh
Guest
Merry Christmas! See you in a few days.
you too?
I plead invasion of number 2 son as my excuse, not been online anywhere near as much as normal.
I plead invasion of number 2 son as my excuse, not been online anywhere near as much as normal.
S
Seasseragh
Guest
... and a happy New Year!
Busy, busy. So much to do in game and out...
Busy, busy. So much to do in game and out...
Know how u feel Seasseragh! Always busy! 
Wandered down to the bottom of the mine to steal the vases and found the slimes there too. They reveal like crazy!
Runlykell would like to show off her nice new slime-dyed arcane circle and loom:
I got some stuff for selling, arcane circles, beds, loom, but I don't know what to price them at.
S
Seasseragh
Guest
Hello? Oh...O...o...°°° (listens to echo)
I dyed all Petra's armour with the 'champagne red' slimes she's all 'pretty in pink' now
she's all 'pretty in pink' now 
Anyone want some fun with Kelmo on UHALL????
peeps are opening uo Eliminate *skill* threads
Kelmo locks them asap, see how many we can get there with silly reasons to eliminate them, its a bit of fun
peeps are opening uo Eliminate *skill* threads
Kelmo locks them asap, see how many we can get there with silly reasons to eliminate them, its a bit of fun
Have I got to abandon this 3/4 dead general in Vesper?
You'll never take me alive..................................
Helloooo babbledom! Been a while I noticed.. but I havez good... well, actually bad, but valid nonetheless excuse! Flu! Still in recovering stages... bleh!
So............I log on after lunch, after a thrilling morning of grocery shopping and find I have an icq. Sent at 9.15. It asks am I on line, because the academic books are in doom. I look at the clock, the message is over 3 hours old, drat.
So, nothing ventured, nothing gained I log Xorartep in and, in certain knowledge that someone will have picked them up hours ago, I venture to Bedlam.
Only they haven't! I got them! So do I make a bookcase with Runlykell's name on, or would it be more appropriate to make it with Joy Nerry?
So, nothing ventured, nothing gained I log Xorartep in and, in certain knowledge that someone will have picked them up hours ago, I venture to Bedlam.
Only they haven't! I got them! So do I make a bookcase with Runlykell's name on, or would it be more appropriate to make it with Joy Nerry?
I might settle for a set of doom books slime dyed the same colour, if they haven't sold off the vendor yet.
I have absolutely no idea, sorry. It never occurred to me to look
K
Kiminality
Guest
For an unrelated subject, I did a search on Google for Slime Hunter, aiming for a picture of the title as shown beneath a character's name, on mouse-over.
Switched it to an image search, becaause I was too lazy to do the image search first time around.
What do I see? My sig as the fourth image
Anyway, this is also a chance to premier my new avatar.
Ain't she cute!
Switched it to an image search, becaause I was too lazy to do the image search first time around.
What do I see? My sig as the fourth image
Anyway, this is also a chance to premier my new avatar.
Ain't she cute!
just for you, Kimi
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