A few thoughts on this... yes, from a woman's POV.
Firstly, I don't believe that forgiveness and reconciliation are the same thing.
I might forgive, but I will have a far harder time forgetting.
Once trust is broken, it CAN be put back together again, but it takes a HUGE amount of time and effort. There is no "trick". It is sheer hard work and determination, to re-earn trust once you have thrown it away.
Secondly, forgiveness is not for the good of the one being forgiven - it is for the one doing the forgiving.
If someone had hurt me, the anger, the pain, the desire for revenge/justice/etc, does NOTHING to the person who caused the pain. The actions that come from those feelings might, but the feelings themselves just carry on hurting me. So, if and when I can manage to forgive, I'll be forgiving for me - not for the one who hurt me.
That might sound selfish, but it's nowhere near as bad as some of the things that repeat offenders will do to try to smooth over the things they want to be forgiven for in the first place.
Absolutely anything CAN be forgiven. There is no trick. But, the past is the past. You can't erase it. You can both agree to leave it in the past - but it will always be there.
Now, this may get howl of horror from some people, but, I didn't bring the topic up. So, here's a very, very short sermon, complete with scripture.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
"Patient and kind" don't take much explaining.
"not proud" does.
You want to know how to repair the damage you've done?
Then the ego goes in the waste basket.
"You said she said I said" conversations will put the final nail in the coffin that you've already built.
"not self seeking...keeps no record of wrongs" - similar.
Do you want forgiveness for yourself, or because this other person's feelings are more important to you than anything else in the world?
If it's so you can get past your own guilty feelings, give up.
Every relationship you will ever be in will be doomed to failure, of one degree or another, until you change your outlook on relationships.
Love means sacrifice.
Similarly, the keeping no record of wrongs - that goes back to the "you said I said she said" types of talks - don't dig up and over-analyse the things that led up to the hurt, or the betrayal.
If the person who WAS hurt does, that's their right - but if you want to fix it, don't drag up all of their old faults.
Stand there and take your medicine. YOU screwed up. Admit your faults, instead of trying to hide behind someone else's.
"rejoices with the truth"
Oooh, a tough one. We're taught "fear commitment" "look out for number one" "it's ok if you don't get caught" and loads of similar things.
That will NOT repair the damage you've done. Again - take it on the chin, instead of looking for the nearest rat hole.
People might laugh at the last lines - "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." and say that this is ivory tower thinking - for a perfect world. "Not practical for the 21st Century".
Ha! It's rare to find someone who puts it into practice, but they do exist. It IS achievable. If what you have really is love, then there IS a road forwards.
If it isn't, if you can easily see yourself doing whatever you did all over again, then you need to go away and take a very good long hard look at yourself.
It's not ivory tower thinking, and it's not impossible to stick to. I know. In two days time I'll be celebrating ten years of the most amazing, constant outpouring of love I've ever been blessed enough to know.
But, from the other side of the coin, if you're ever faced with someone who is constantly repeating a cycle of hurting you, and then trying to repair things, and repeating the hurt a bit later, then get out of that relationship. It's not a healthy one. They may change for the better - but it's not going to happen while you keep pardoning their faults, instead of forcing them to face them.
*passes round collection plate, gets back one button, and half a plate*
Yeah, you WISH the local lady minister dressed like this.
