OT: Question for the lovers (preferably ladies).

[HalfDead]

Ok, this is just a scenario, ok? K, let's say your man, or woman done something to hurt you very badly, for example....... uummmm let's say... infidelity for example. What is the one thing he, or she, could do, in order for you to forgive them, and go on with your relationship? Even for the most stubborn person on the planet, surely there must be something that will allow this person to be forgiven. Please post what would do the trick for you.

 

[Mandolin]

Oh.. this thread is going to be good. *grabs popcorn*

 

[Goodah]

...her winning the super jackpot in a lottery

 

[Katharine]

<blockquote><hr>

Ok, this is just a scenario, ok? K, let's say your man, or woman done something to hurt you very badly, for example....... uummmm let's say... infidelity for example. What is the one thing he, or she, could do, in order for you to forgive them, and go on with your relationship? Even for the most stubborn person on the planet, surely there must be something that will allow this person to be forgiven. Please post what would do the trick for you.

[/ QUOTE ]


Well my question is, if they do forgive the offending person, yet it happens again, should you keep forgiving them or just chalk it up to a messed up relationship and move on? Like say for example, they cheated on you... seemed truly sorry for doing it, so you forgave them and everything seemed to go great for a while, but then the person did it again... with the same apology. How many times is enough?

 

[imported_Castor]

nothing...breaking my trust and friendship is the ultimate crime in my eyes..



...and yes, i have issues...

 

[Katharine]

Well in my opinion everyone should be given a second chance.... except with abuse, I'm sorry but that's just one of those things that should never happen in the first place therefore the ba..... n/m. Shouldn't be forgiven... anywho. But like cheating for example, everyone's gonna make a mistake there or at least we have the potential too, so once I can forgive... more than that and no.... not something I'm willing to forgive or forget easily.

 

[HalfDead]

But what would it take from him/her, to make you forgive them (the first time)?

 

[Guest]

If your partner cheats on you - there is usually an underlying reason why, not just sex or a weak moment. Most likely there is something lacking in the relationship.
If you do decide to forgive ~ then you really have to find out WHY he/she looked elsewhere for love and work on that issue... or the relationship is doomed.

...just my two cents.

 

[Katharine]

<blockquote><hr>

But what would it take from him/her, to make you forgive them (the first time)?

[/ QUOTE ]

Time and alot of faith on the offended parties part that it won't happen again.

 

[Guest]

<blockquote><hr>

But what would it take from him/her, to make you forgive them (the first time)?

[/ QUOTE ]

If he/she really loved the person who cheated on them and thought that they were worth fighting for &amp; that the relationship was worth the effort... then forgiveness has to come from within because you want too... not because they made some promise or "did" something to seek your forgiveness.

 

[HalfDead]

Pretend you're the victim here, what could he, or she say, or do, for your forgiveness? In other words, would it take flowers, tears, new car, peom, etc. etc.?

Ok, I wrote this before I saw your last post.

 

[Katharine]

<blockquote><hr>

Pretend you're the victim here, what could he, or she say, or do, for your forgiveness? In other words, would it take flowers, tears, new car, peom, etc. etc.?

Ok, I wrote this before I saw your last post.

[/ QUOTE ]

That's so superficial *chuckles* Any woman that forgives a man because of the things he can buy her aint staying around for the relationship honey. Sorry, just sad fact in it.

 

[Guest]

Pretend you're the victim here, what could he, or she say, or do, for your forgiveness? In other words, would it take flowers, tears, new car, peom, etc. etc.?
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Been there done it, perhaps we all have been there done it that someone broke and betrayed a trust in the relationship.

Forgiveness may be accomplished but trust was shot all to hell, and may never be repairable.

Forgiveness is far easier to achieve..than trusting someone ever again, that shattered trust all to hell.

All that leads to is insecurity in trusting that person for the one that got hurt all trust in them is usually shattered. They may always wonder when will he or she cheat on me .........again ?? hurt me again ? lie to me again ?? They telling me truth or bs................HONESTY is something tantamount to garner trust in relationships and friendships, some folks will not settle for LESS nor put up with cheating lying or even just lack of respect for feelings, all is relatere to honesty, truth in relationships friendships etc. ie TRUST, it is something special that takes time to develop/grow for people, takes lots of time &amp; mutual work with any relationship to a trusting one, even for friends; let alone something deeper be it our kids gf bf parents boss etc. once the trust is shattered sometimes there is no going back.

Forgiving is far easier than risking our heart, our emotions, our sanity and more trusting someone ever again, that busted trust all to hell. Males get hurt just as badly from cheatin females as visa versa..cuz one of the two didnt care enough to honor the other person with honesty and loyalty ie TRUST tossed out, all to hell.

It can be done, people do do that..but unless the one that violated that trust is mega willing to try to regain any tiny shred of trust back wont work.

A trust may take a matter of days weeks months or YEARS..for however long it took for that relationship to acquire that trust..once broken will take that long again or longer to ever trust that person ever again.

Once burnt twice shy...........forgiving that is the easy part ..trusting them ever again not to tear our heart emotions to shreds ever again..may never be possible to trust em again..sometimes it will depend on how badly/deeply the trust shattered hurt the one that got hurt ie cheated upon or lied to etc. shattering the trust of our significant other or a friend &amp; even our own kids etc. makes for an insecure relationship for the one who's trust was shattered to bits. Most folks probably..won't stick around to have their feelings on a yo yo and their trust broke all to hell again!

Frankly there are no justifications for cheating, ya either go with that person, or yu EXIT the relationship first instead of cheat on em, which would be more honest than..fishing expeditions, while still in said relationship, with another.

Anyhow to repeat forgiving is easier, and less meaningful cuz ever trusting them again would take way longer or be now impossible to regain the trust that one had till they fubared it all and ruined trust !

All the flowers in the world can never rebuild............shattered trust ! That is something done by working to gain and to keep that bond of trust alive not breaking it.

 

[Ginsu-SP]

Just be sincere, and hope for the best.

And don't be a pest... if she says no.

If you are not married, there is a good chance she will even the score
on you before she takes you back.

If you are not forgiven.... move on and don't screw up the next time.

Cheers!

 

[quazion]

<blockquote><hr>

Pretend you're the victim here, what could he, or she say, or do, for your forgiveness? In other words, would it take flowers, tears, new car, peom, etc. etc.?

[/ QUOTE ]

Be honest, very honest, if you dont believe what your saying, then she wont either...people make mistakes, we all do! So if you really really love this person tell her! i think thats the only way, and if she's not forgiving you then take your loses. There are more people on this planet you really really like, trust me. But be sure you've learned from the past else doom will fall upon thee!

And personaly if a new car or something would fix this, i would really wonder if this is the person i would wanna hang out with for the rest of my life.

 

[Timothy_SP]

<blockquote><hr>

Ok, this is just a scenario, ok? K, let's say your man, or woman done something to hurt you very badly, for example....... uummmm let's say... infidelity for example. What is the one thing he, or she, could do, in order for you to forgive them, and go on with your relationship? Even for the most stubborn person on the planet, surely there must be something that will allow this person to be forgiven. Please post what would do the trick for you.

[/ QUOTE ]

The old "I have a 'friend'" question. So tell us, what did YOU do? Or what did SHE do?

 

[Morgana Grim]

i think i would have to be a tad superficial if he came around offering gifts for transgressions, especially if he thought i would be so easily swayed .........i would sniff the lovely flowers while listening to the poem i'm sure he just threw together to save his ass, then watch the tears stream down his cheeks as i drove off in the new car......and oh by the way you forgot candy and jewelry mixed with groveling
ok had to edit and put the real answer in.....first he better hope i hear about it straight from him and not 'the grapevine' because nothing is worse than defending your man only to find out later the gossip mongers were correct. Secondly time lots of time to think, no phone calls no hovering.....for me i have to get over it in my own way in my own time.......absence will either make the heart grow fonder or i would find out the sun actually does come up tomorrow without him around. * shrugs *

 

[Orion McCloud]

If my wife ever cheated on me I would be like Castor and say nothing can forgive that.

There was an oath taken and breaking that oath is just the worst betrayal of trust that can happen. Trust makes up most of the relationship and if its ever lost the relationship goes down hill from there.

There are other good points in this thread like looking at what made the person do that, but it will take a very unique person to truely forgive that.
I never could truely forgive. the thought would always be in the back of my mind.

 

[Guest]

Say it was with a celebrity, unless they know who it was.

No one cares if thier partners sex up celebs. They might even be proud!

 

[Guest]

I'll say this... if you are sincere, and believe she is the one for you... you have to fight for her...
I mean fight to the death... fight every obsticle... i don't mean argue as if you were innocent, i mean fight past your guilt, i mean fight for every inch of ground you can... and don't stop till you have her. She WILL see this. If she says... I can't trust you, be trustworthy. Tell her, I want to fight for you, if it takes years... ask her to help you... You can't pretend in this, either you esteem her higher than yourself or you don't. If you do... she'll see it... FIGHT... WIN her. Even if its yourself you're fighting half the time. BE there for her...

Thauron

 

[Morgana Grim]

and uh fight off the temptation of another???

 

[HalfDead]

I like that, but what id Ginsu is right, and she evens the score?

 

[Morgana Grim]

i'll jump on that question.......* what if she evens the score? * .....do you really want to be in that kind of relationship for the rest of your life??? can you say drama?

 

[Mandolin]

Bah... I thought this was gonna be a fun humorous post.. *sets down popcorn*

Ok.. I've never cheated on anyone before. But, somebody cheated on me once. Within an hour of finding out, I had her stuff packed, put the bags on the porch, and the locks changed.

When she came home from work, she sobbed on the porch for 3 hours. Then I turned up the volume on Pulp Fiction and she took the hint and left. Never saw her again until about 3 days ago (about 8 years later). She smiled at me and went in for the hug.. I turned up the volume on my iPod and walked past her.

Guess you could say I'm with Orion and Castor on this one.

 

[Timothy_SP]

<blockquote><hr>

If my wife ever cheated on me I would be like Castor and say nothing can forgive that.

There was an oath taken and breaking that oath is just the worst betrayal of trust that can happen. Trust makes up most of the relationship and if its ever lost the relationship goes down hill from there.

There are other good points in this thread like looking at what made the person do that, but it will take a very unique person to truely forgive that.
I never could truely forgive. the thought would always be in the back of my mind.

[/ QUOTE ]

The problem is that everytime another arguement happens, the past will be brought up. "Oh yeah, well remember when you cheated on me with 'so-and-so'?!?!"

Once trust is broken so severely, I don't think it can ever be fully rebuilt. Deep down you/they NEVER forget. I would say this holds true 99.9% of the time.

 

[Tark_Smash]

How about sit in a running car with a hose from the exhaust through the window. Maybe then the forgiveness would come, definately if she had the person that she cheated with in there also.

 

[Mandolin]

<blockquote><hr>

How about sit in a running car with a hose from the exhaust through the window. Maybe then the forgiveness would come, definately if she had the person that she cheated with in there also.

[/ QUOTE ]

*laugh*

I was going to mention something about the proper escavation of shallow graves.. but thought better of it. Thanks for kicking off the trend Tark.

 

[Guest]

In my opinion Ginsu's advice is the best here. You may win her back, be grateful if you do. If she evens up the score just for the sake of it though, consider whether this is something you are looking for in a woman. My guess is that if she is really worth your love, she won't.

But at some point in the future you may have to show flexibility... it may not be in a case of (in)fidelity, it may be something completely different, she may get very ill, you may get ill, she may crash the car you have spent 15 years building on... something trivial, or not.

Be prepared to return the favor then.

Kind regards

 

[Tark_Smash]

Happy to help out

 

[Sergul'zan_SP]

Same here. Never cheated, wouldn't forgive someone for it. There are many things you can do wrong in a relationship and recover from, but breaching the trust that deeply is not one of them.

 

[marichessy]

<blockquote><hr>

If my wife ever cheated on me I would be like Castor and say nothing can forgive that.

There was an oath taken and breaking that oath is just the worst betrayal of trust that can happen. Trust makes up most of the relationship and if its ever lost the relationship goes down hill from there.

There are other good points in this thread like looking at what made the person do that, but it will take a very unique person to truely forgive that.
I never could truely forgive. the thought would always be in the back of my mind.

[/ QUOTE ]

I am with Orion and Castor. I could never forgive, never forget. Never get past it. Trust is a HUGE thing with me. You betray my trust, you lie to me, you hurt me that badly, I am done for life. Even if I wanted to forgive the person, it would always be in my mind and I could never, never trust them again. The relationship would be doomed without trust.

If a person WERE more fogiving it wouldn't be about something you bought or did on one occassion to make up.

Just thank your lucky stars your girlfriends name isn't Lorena Bobbit!

 

[johttenn]

Mandolin, Orion, and Castor are right on this one...for me there would be no forgiveness. ..I just ain't built that way, plus I'm not a Christian so its not part of my ethos

 

[Guest]

rtl

not a single damned thing could you do to regain the trust. Even if you patch it up enough to forgive, it will never be forgotten.

If someone were to cheat on me, that's it. change the locks put their stuff out on the curb, if they want it bad enough they can get there before the trash man.


*edit*
not to say i haven't been in several "open" relationships, but they were set up that way from day one. No changing of the rules. Once a monogamous commitment is made, that's it, there is no going back.

 

[Mike eagleclaw]

Whats being a Christian have to do with it? O and so im not hijacking the thread I wouldnt forgive em.

 

[Guest]

<blockquote><hr>

Mandolin, Orion, and Castor are right on this one...for me there would be no forgiveness. ..I just ain't built that way, plus I'm not a Christian so its not part of my ethos

[/ QUOTE ]

Well, I am a Christian, and I am not sure it is part of my ethos either, and there is no conflict there. I have never been in such a situation, but the Bible is pretty specific in stating that the innocent party in a case of infidelity is under no obligation to accept their erring partner back. They aren't obligated to terminate the relationship either, but it is their prerogotive to do so.

Everyone is different, every situation is different. If someone can forgive, accept their partner back, and go on, that is great, I know of a couple of people who have managed to do so. But I also think that even relationships which are mended following such an enormous breach, will never achieve the potential they might have otherwise. When you break something, and fix it, it is never quite as good as the original unbroken state. When you have to fix something huge, it may still function, but the scar may always be visible.

-Skylark

 

[HalfDead]

<blockquote><hr>

If your partner cheats on you - there is usually an underlying reason why, not just sex or a weak moment. Most likely there is something lacking in the relationship.
If you do decide to forgive ~ then you really have to find out WHY he/she looked elsewhere for love and work on that issue... or the relationship is doomed.

...just my two cents.

[/ QUOTE ]

men really don't need a reason, I think men are just naturally cursed with the curse of love, which causes them to sometimes cheat. *shrugs*

 

[Dor of Sonoma]

*nods*

There is a reason that I am a single parent.

There is nothing that you could do to repair such a breech. Not with me, anyway.

 

[Virgil Tempest]

Agreed. I can't see myself ever forgiving someone that has cheated on me. I don't trust easily and those who break that are unlikely to ever have my trust again.

 

[Guest]

<blockquote><hr>

<blockquote><hr>

If your partner cheats on you - there is usually an underlying reason why, not just sex or a weak moment. Most likely there is something lacking in the relationship.
If you do decide to forgive ~ then you really have to find out WHY he/she looked elsewhere for love and work on that issue... or the relationship is doomed.

...just my two cents.

[/ QUOTE ]

men really don't need a reason, I think men are just naturally cursed with the curse of love, which causes them to sometimes cheat. *shrugs*

[/ QUOTE ]There is a huge difference between love and lust. Don't go pulling darwinian survival of the fittest, man needs to sew his wild oats crap with me. If you love someone, truly love them, there is no need to cheat. I'm no saint, but I have never cheated in a monogamous relationship. I may be a guy, but i'm also a hopeless romantic

 

[Ginsu-SP]

I think the situation is totally different if you are young and just dating....rather
than married. If you are married, you have made that firm committment to be
faithful. In that case I believe a more rigid code is in place.

If you are just dating...and you think you're in love, and you are out and meet
someone and get swept up in the moment or whatever, I think a less rigid code
is in order. The relationship may be permanently damaged... but you have not
broken any vows. It's time to try to patch things up or move on.

Just be sincere Halfdead... if you want to try. Any gift, or anything other than
your true feelings would just cheapen your plea. And I just stress... don't be
a pest. Let her know how important she is, and that you made a terrible mistake,
and then let her decide. She may need time to think about it, or want time apart
but your best bet is sincerity, and respect.

Good Luck!

 

[Guest]

You don't need a ring to show trust. No trust, no relationship. If the "relationship" is based soley on sex, hey more power to ya. grab a friend. But... if you ever hoped to be more than boff buddies, you damned well better show that you are trustworthy.

 

[Mandolin]

Oh.. and when you pack their stuff up.. change the combination on their luggage... Its the little things that'll help you sleep better that evening... in the middle of the bed for once.

 

[Ginsu-SP]

People make mistakes... especially young people.

And there are those that are capable of getting their mind around the fact that
people can learn a lesson from something like this, and show some compassion
and forgiveness to someone who is truly sorry.

Cheers!

 

[Guest]

I'll give you that, young people do make mistakes, they don't know what they want. Me, personally, I'm an old cynical [censored]. Maybe it's the divorce.

but, if you do manage to convince her to take you back, if she turns around and pulls the same stunt with llke 6 of your friends at once in the backseat of a volkswagon bug, you better grin and bear it buddy.

 

[Mandolin]

And if she owns her own car.. don't forget to stick a banana in the tailpipe. No bananas? Sugar in the gas tank will work too.

Nothing more amusing than watching her walk down the street with 3 large Samsonite bags... well.. almost as amusing as back when you pulled the covers over her head after a really good mexican pizza. But that's no longer an option at that point.

Bah.. edit.. almost forgot the gem for the fond farewell.. if you know the fella who she indulged with.. give him a buzz and congratulate him.. when he goes "huh?" tell him she's pregnant with quintuplets.

 

[Guest]

No need to get vindictive, it's over. rent a few really sad movies, have a good cry and move on.

 

[Mandolin]

<blockquote><hr>

No need to get vindictive, it's over. rent a few really sad movies, have a good cry and move on.

[/ QUOTE ]

Bah.. toss in Stripes, Blazing Saddles.. laugh your ass off at the movies that never get old and remembering the look on her face when ya told her you wrote 4 bad checks on her account at the grocery store for beer and smokes. Then break out the p0rn.

 

[Morgana Grim]

LMFAO * takes notes from Spyderbite *

 

[em_or_or]

<blockquote><hr>

nothing...breaking my trust and friendship is the ultimate crime in my eyes..



...and yes, i have issues...

[/ QUOTE ]

nah I feel the exact same way. Once a trust is broken there is nothing in the world that will make that mistrust go away.

 

[em_or_or]

<blockquote><hr>

Pretend you're the victim here, what could he, or she say, or do, for your forgiveness? In other words, would it take flowers, tears, new car, peom, etc. etc.?

Ok, I wrote this before I saw your last post.

[/ QUOTE ]

Or maybe something NOT physical? Honestly? IMO whoever you are speaking about [censored] up and thats it. They are to be forgiven it wont be a card or a puppy, it would be something (hopefully) more i.e., love etc etc.

Sorry for all the posts just reading and posting as I go.