Merry Christmas UO Stratics

[Jirel of Joiry]

Here's a couple of blasts from the past I found on my computer. I hope you all enjoy it! Merry Christmas and peace, love and prosperity for the coming New Year!

A Visit from Santa PK


T’was the night before Christmas when all through the shard
Not a creature was stirring, 'cept a macroing bard
The backpacks were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes generous GMs soon would be there

The bank thieves were nestled all snug in their robes
While visions of easy marks danced in their lobes
All of us regulars here at the Y
Had just settled down, to pass the night by

When out on the lawn there arose such a scream
Everyone looked 'round, to scope out the scene
Away to the front door, we flew like a flash
'Twas just in time for a halberd's last crash

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Shone red from the blood of the newbie below
Then, what should our wondering eyes thus impart?
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny great harts!

With white-bearded driver, all dressed in red
The same as the name floating o'er his head
He bent over the corpse, started carving away
We knew in a moment, IT WAS SANTA PK!!!

Our numbers were many, our characters brave
We all jumped on Santa PK in a wave!
More rapid than eagles, his great harts they came
Santa PK cursed soundly, then called them by name

Now Corp Por, now Vas Flam, now on Vas Ort Grav!
Now Ort Sanct, now Wis Quas, and others I have!
To the top of the hedge, to the top of the wall
Rel Por away, por away, por away all!

And then, in a twinkling, we heard on the roof
The thumping and whumping of each little hoof
We all headed inside, and as we turned round
Down the chimney came Santa PK with a bound

Dressed in red magic plate, from his head to his foot
He chopped down our tree, and then stole the rule-book
He snooped all the patrons, and summoned EVs
Then stole all 15 of my insta-log keys!

His dimples, how merry! His twinkling eye!
He looked 'round, then said, "U R all gonna die!"
Then with no more words he went straight to his work;
To make us all take unplanned naps in the dirt.

I whipped out my halberd, as all followed suit
We were hungry for Santa PK's blood and loot
He had sullied the Y, brought us nothing but grief!
He was worse than a Noto-PK or a thief!

My halberd, it whooshed, my halberd, it whiffed!
I couldn't hit Santa PK, I was miffed!
The Y's other patrons hurled arrows and spells
But they all missed Santa PK just as well

His casting was swift, his footwork sublime
Three bolts he could put in the air at one time!
He guzzled Gheals with 1 second's delay
And I wondered, "Now why can't *I* do it that way?"

The light bulb went on, I let out a scream
"This scumbag must utilize UO Extreme!"
Santa PK turned his head 'round my way
"Corp Por" *thwack* "Corp Por", all I then saw was gray

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
Flew the bodies of patrons, those doomed to die
And then, when he was the last one left standing
Santa PK ran forthwith to the landing

He gathered our heads, and he gathered our loot
He jumped in his sleigh in his red armor suit
As he drove out of sight, I heard him exclaim
"Man, U guys suk! U guys R all LaM3!"
​

 

[Jirel of Joiry]

Here's the second one; it's similar to the first and equally funny! Enjoy!

A Visit from Big ****

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a keyboard was clicking, not even a mouse;
The runes were all placed behind the walls with care,
In hopes that no one would think to look over there;

The kewl doodz were nestled all snug in their beds,
While in the land of Britannia they macroed their reds;
I was checking my box for my new black plate,
I'd just logged in, although it was late.

When from in front of my house there came such a noise,
I used tracking and saw that it was Big **** and his boyz.
To the front of the house I ran to the door,
Checked it three times and put flour bags on the floor.

You see, **** and his boyz were well known to me,
They stole and they looted and used UOE.
They PKed and swore and insulted poor saps,
They duped and they cheated and used wAcKy CaPs,

Then I saw them, their walk was so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be Big ****.
Using fastwalk features they flew on the screen,
They saw me there waiting and converged on the scene;

"i think this guy needs his azz rocked
we'll get thru the door even tho its locked
to the back of the house! UOE is now on call!
Now watch carefully there'll be no more wall"

I watched in horror as they walked to the back,
I began placing all my treasure chests in my pack,
In vain it was as I struggled alone,
I could only pick up and hold 300 stone.

And then, with a gasp, I saw the first sign
That what was soon to be theirs I now called mine.
As I stood there alone to face my fate,
**** stepped through the wall and said, 'ur 2 late'.

He was dressed all in bone, from his foot to his head,
He laughed when he saw me, "hehe ur dead!";
His bone outfit was trimmed with true black,
I stood overloaded as he began snooping my pack.

His eyes -- They were beady. His hair was bright pink.
I stood there helpless, too frightened to think.
His buddies were dressed exactly the same,
They peeked into boxes and made fun of my name;

The guild title 'pimp' they proudly displayed,
'Please make them leave', I solemnly prayed;
They searched the whole house, they checked every box,
They cursed when they saw that all had locks.

**** calmly said 'don’t worry i stole his key',
'now breakinup boxes will be easy 4 me';
I smiled when I saw that the first on his list,
Was a box set to explode by my GM alchemist;

He said not a thing, but went straight to his chore,
He broke the trapped box and fell dead on the floor,
I laughed when I saw it and said, 'What a shame!',
Da Boyz were not happy and said, 'that wuz lame';

They sprang to his corpse, and all began looting,
I pulled out my crossbow and then started shooting
And I said as I killed them with my weapon of force,
"This crossbow's a blast! It's prepatch of course!"
​