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The Lord of Snow


Lore Keeper
Stratics Veteran
Stratics Legend
Shard Euwopa wins Chwistmash!
A weport by Barney of EU 21/12/2013

Editors note:
'The following text has been translated by professional editors, from a language known as 'wobba', to semi-coherent English. Please note, some original text has been left unmolested as it simply cannot cross over to normal language as we know it, and to do so may interfere with the representation of this report'

Hewro evewybodey :D

It me, Barney. I am write this to you coz today me haef a loltime in a place call Ultima Online, Euwopa shard.

It a plaec that onleh we teh Legends live, an a place wehre dweams are maed, an loosed. A plaece of GOOD AN EVILD, whree sumtiem the evild are the good guyd, an the 'goods' aer the evilmen...

It where Barney the Wobba oen day dies. But tooday, id noes that days...


So, there me was, in me house wiht me fwiend, Decado (he a old evild PK but maek me lol), talkin buot a wevolution song, etc...and then ALL O SUDDEN! This voise coem to Barney:

'Barneys...it tiem to WINUO oence mroe!! Coem to the plaec where the mighty meets, an faec a new ADVENTUER!!!'

'Hmmds...' me says: 'WTFX!??!'

Decado looked at me funneh as he adjusht hes evil weaopnd of mess destwuction.

'ME MUSHT GO!' I spam, an me call me steed of Minax win to me, knowned onleh as 'BARNEY WINS UO'

Me hopped on to me twusteh steed an cast a magic spell, a spell of 'Wecall' fwom the school of magery...feelin teh essence of magic consumed as me am almosht instant moved to a new plaec in the World of Euwopa (editors note: 'Euwopa' is actually 'Europa', and is a virtual location within cyberspace, to put it simply...also known as a 'shard', of which there are several with the multiverse of Ultima Online).


I appear in the gweat city of Bwitain, Twammel. Twammel id a lol plac as we no can kell each ohter without bending the wules of tiem an spaec...which me haved done a few tiem ;)
Knowing me destination, me rided me faction horsey to the place me knowd we musht meet...fora calling lik this, no-oen musht taked lihgtly.
When Me awwive, i see some few folk abuot, but stabling me twusty steed, I enter teh place of meetin:

So few haeved come...the call musht be weak...barney knoews many on the Felucca are in their own fight of personald honour, so wil lnoes heed the call yet...

But Barney noews patienced ids a viwtue (editors note: 'Patience' is not technically a 'Virtue' with Ultima Online...) an so me waited...an in meantiem me doos a thing to keep people fwom get boerd...

First me does a danced...

Then me taell a STOWIES!:

Then suddenhley lot people come! An a familiar faec appear on he seat in middle of my excellont stowy. Hes naem ids Skawos teh Spymastor, an he id a spymastor...jusht noes as good as Barneys:

He tell us, there is a ritual happenin, an for soem weason he thinked it may not be all goin to plan...the witual ids to welcoem the dawn of a new season an allow it to take root, whilst we stell in the midst of Wintor. Lief to the yet unborn!

He telld us all he knoew fwom magics scryin and spyin to bwing FIRE! So lanternd an torce, we all a purchase. Me? I like Fier Elementolds :D

Skawos then ask if we need mroe info, an many ask teh questionds:

Barney ask best questions.


He telld us he maekd a magical portal to send us to guard the witual...a BIG PHAT BLUE THING APPAER!!! Big magiks! It a magic door to anohter place! Each of us, pets and all, step thwough it...to get hit in face wiht the heat of a desert sun!

Yet there soem wespite...a small oasis, an a hooded worshipper of the seasons, only know as 'Sister Jaent'. There many of us hrer, many known named of fame to surely see of any foe? Alaster the Mad, Lord Keenan the Duke of Britain, Lord Dr Doolittle, the famed Internecine, Yoshi of WoY, Lord Kajilos the Wise, Anna Goodward...Anderson, Manticore the Warder, Tokot, Lord Zerberus, Lord Guillaume and the oddly named I Love Turtles....to name but a few!

Sister Janet explains why the rituald musht taek place...pwetteh obvious unless u want lief in a world of ice an snoew...duh! Wut a fikky!

She explained the bwains of the Lord of Snow....

He no evild, he jusht a force of nature. No mroe evil than the Sun itself. At same tiem, there wasssed some pinching of bums too...

Sister Janet then ask us to do some lol stuff...I fink it jusht to make us look dumb. She sayd we musht do some weirdo pagan poo an wun naked wound the island asking for the 'fweedome of the fawn'

Barney up for a lol, so me doos it:

An me doos it soem mroe...for good maesures

In end , only Lord Keenan an hes dwagind an me are dooin it...I think we bwokened the witual wiht our entuhsiasm as she Janet teh pwiest girl sayds it all no workd :(



Then, she a sayds us the witual canno works! The Fawn of Spwing has been TWAPPED!!!! NOOOOEEEEE!!!

It up to us teh wins UO to fwee teh Fawn an stuffs!

So teh Janet, she oepn a magical portal to a plaec where the Fawn is held....we enter teh gate!

We goed the gate...insided ids COLD!

We ventuer furtehr an finded a wall of fwozen water (editors note: also known as 'ice') an we fink maybe it a time to useds the lantern, picks and FIER!! Me summond FIER lolmentals an casted teh wall of fier!!! Evewyone else no so clevor as Barney teh Wobba an sit abuot going 'i id fik, whut we doos Barney?'. It oke, me a win UO:

The wall melt. Big phat Poalr bears of puer EVIL pour thwough! Evewyoen dieds....

Janet seem immune an ushers us to coem thwough the hole we made in icewall...cept we all ded lol....

Barney manage to get a mega healing an weturn fwom teh ded...an whilst teh ohters fight mega evild poalr baers, me sneak inside the lair...I FINDED A FAWN!!!!

She in a cage thing, but no pwoblem for a wobba! Me pick teh lock an sneakies inside, while the ohter HEWOES kill stupid baers. I Love Turtels come join me, but get eatend by hungwy PK Poalr Bear! Oh dear :(

Ohters come, ans see teh pooer Fawn!

Ye we saef u!!!

Mroe hewoeds puor in. Me start see teh bears wip them apart, so to hewlps me summond my magics, dark an light poewrs of Legendawy stwenght, pawalyzing them in fields of WIN!

When mroe us hrer, I fink maybe a magic poewr fire help teh fawn!

The big phat dwaginds start to forse way thwough the smaall gap we maked in ice wall too...


AN LO! We wescue teh Fawn, called Tinder...a naem whihc imply the catalyst of fire an heat! :D

The Janey happeh :D

BUT Fawn says there a pwoblem, an we need to find a team to solve it, an IT NO TEH A-TEAM! It the win-team EU :D

Kkk, so, Fawney telld us the Lord of Snot (editors note: We think Barney means the 'Lord of Snow') haef a pwoblem. He id no evild, but al our lineds of studeh move to him as bein teh porblem. Fawn wishes to see the Lord of Snow. An has been there before...so a new magics gaet open! MROE ADVENTURE YAY!

Teh gate appaer!

Hewoed step forth...to the dominion of cold an ice...

We finded twacks in teh snoew...Fawns twacks! She begin to wealise she bee here befoer! Soon we finded a caev, but the entraenc blocked to us with the same ice and cold as befoer. Me, bein teh win UO finded a new ways in:

So, whiel me won UO sum big evild Twollds appaer! But they ded.

Then, soemhoew, I fall thwough woof!


There is The Lord of Snow! But, he seem asleeps to Barney....

Teh hewoes pour inside...

The Fawn steps into the Hall of teh Snow Lord...

It seems, the Fawn has a cure for his malady: A good licking!

An then, ALL HELL BWEAK LOOSED!!!! Lava pours in and much fury!

Lot of ded hewoes lol. Me died too! But me okee as teh gods owe barney many favour an me lief again!!!!

Aftor muched massiev fihgt in the caev, we a won! Yay!!! Many ded dwagind:

The Lord of Snoews heart defwosts, an he awakends!

He id confuse. But he happeh he awaek. Now, Natuer can taek it course, and he luv hes little fwiend the Fawn :) They talk an hug, an we teh hewoes, watch on. Soon hids attention comes to us, an he speek of a gift...

He speek of a twadition of Chwistmash: The givin of gift, teh luv of family an fwiends. Selflessness an happehness...an fowgiefness.

To wepay our efforts, the Lord of Snow set forth a gift for all, while his powerds remain in this term of Winter:

A Red Toy Chest!

An on that finals note, he swore to leaved us, an let Spring take root:

So, all ye weaders, coem take your gift, all hewoes an villans of Euwopa, an be mewwy with your fellows. For without each other in this world of UO, we are nothings but a splinter in teh minds eye.



But noes...it not lol.

Befoer we all wented to the Bar in bwitain to haef a dwink, Lord of Snow sayd:

(editors note: Sadly, Barney's pictures became somewhat adult in nature as various players deiced to go on a drunken pub crawl of the Europa shard, both Trammel and Felucca, with EM Gotan...who Barney somehow managed to get very very dwunk)