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[LoL News] Champion & skin sale: Pentapress conference


Stratics Veteran

*tap* Is this thing on? Hey, wait… who are these people? Uh… ladies and gentlemen of the press, I'm here to read a statement:

Over the course of the last few months we've received a record number of complaints from parents, politicians and most world leaders. Apparently mainstream media outlets are claiming Pentakill is "single-handedly responsible for the moral decline of Runeterra" and "contributing to the delinquency of today's youth."

I'm here to assure you we're going to stop using words like: #$&*, %&$^, @#$, *%&^, #%&$#%$^&, mother#$%^@&, #$%clown, #$%@^!&, %$^#face, $%#^lips, %$^#head, !%@^$&#, @&#&*$*@, %^$&^$%&, $%#^head, @#$%wad, ^*%&, #%^!slapper, $^%&-in-a-box, horse$%#^ or [email protected]#$%^&*^#&@%^!%^@$#%$^#@%!^$^.

They also asked us to apologize to a few people in particular:

  • Ahri, we're sorry you got thrown out of the after party with that crowd of groupies. I mean, if we had known you were actually a soul-sucking fox-demon, we'd never have done something like that. Call me. 487 RP
  • Rumble, we regret that our rabid fans ripped your war machine apart after it shorted out on that exposed wiring backstage. Even though it was pretty %&*^ of you not to take responsibility. The resulting electrical fire did some serious damage to our set, and probably killed a few roadies. 440 RP
  • I apologize for throwing you off the stage into the crowd, Kassadin. I mean, I figured you'd be fine. They always catch me when I stage dive, and there's no way I could have known your Rift Walk was on cooldown. 395 RP

  • We're also sorry that we kicked you out when you showed up backstage as Pre-Void Kassadin. We have standards, and you just aren't metal enough without the mask. 487 RP
  • We know we shouldn't have fired you from our security force, Karate Kennen, but the martial arts thing you've got going on doesn't seem to intimidate people in light of your… abridged stature. Besides, you were always building up static electricity and interfering with the electronics. 260 RP
  • We're sorry we decided to build our new recording studio in the Ionian mountains, Traditional Lee Sin. In retrospect, recording a death metal album right outside of a monastery was probably inconsiderate. We were just looking for some more organic reverb. 260 RP

#^%ing $#^@! What the @#$% did I just read? Who the [email protected]%& wrote this %&$*ing speech? I mean, apologizing? We don't $^%&ing apologize. For @#^$'s sake, do they [email protected]%#ing think we're Death Cab for Corki or something? This is metal – how the hell am I even supposed to write lyrics if I can't say “@%#^?” That doesn't make any #%$#ing sense!

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