I'm so fat I got stuck in a train station turnstile at peak hour and had to be helped out by a group of haggard businessmen while my saintly partner looked on in despair! I'm so fat that we need to replace our mattress every six months or it becomes so sunken on my side that it creates a murderous slope down which we both roll every night and end up in a hopeless tangle on the floor! I'm so fat that I waddle around shopping centre food courts charming penniless young undergraduates into sharing their frozen yoghurt with me! I'm so fat that in the very same appointment that the doctor told me I was too fat to live, I waited until his back was turned and then stole a handful of the lollipops intended for sick children! I'm so fat that I got arrested for catching and strangling ducks at the park so I could take them home and roast them! I'm so bloody fat that I broke a hole clean through the kitchen floorboards while drunkenly dancing and fell into the cellar, crushing a crate full of bottles of priceless champagne! Hallo! Is so nice to meet you!