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Dementia and my Mom

skett

Babbling Loonie
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Hi all

I have been struggling with my mother that has dementia for a few years now and feel like I'm sinking.
I cant work full days or even full weeks at this point because of the amount of care required.
I've tried to get help from the state and can't
I feel very guilty about thinking about putting her in a nursing home, not even sure if I can or how to.
I have 5 kids Ive been neglecting because of the demands put on me by this.

really not sure what to do any more, any advise /help would be greatly appreciated

Thank you
 

Danpal

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I am sorry for this it is hard to go throw with loved ones. I helped with my grandmother during the first few years but it got worse.

Not much I can tell you but some days are better then there are bad days as well. We had to put her into a Nursing home once she pretty much lost it all. We had to when someone new about her issues came over and acted like my father and got her to sign over real state and over 200k in his name. We where able to get the land back but the money was long gone by the time we found out.

just be careful and try your best to be with her I am sure you are one of the things she remembers and does not forget.

If you want to vent some time I am here to listen.
 

Queen Mum

Crazed Zealot
Governor
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Caring for a loved one with dementia - Alzheimer's is extremely demanding. This is the best resource I can offer since they assisted us with moms Alzheimer's. Stay strong and know that there are people who are willing to help ....

Prayers lifted for you ...

The Alzheimer's Association leads the way to end Alzheimer's and all other dementia — by accelerating global research, driving risk reduction and early detection, and maximizing quality care and support.

The have a 24/7 HELPLINE 800.272.3900

In-home Care - Alzheimer's Association
 

skett

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Thank you both very much
money isn't an issue at all with my mom, she has nothing left my sister took it all and dropped her off with me years ago.
I been supporting her for years now but I cant afford in home help care at this point and my sister is in very bad health and lives 16 hours away and refuses to help me.
funny thing is my sister has an insane amount of money and took my moms
my sister has no kids and I have 5 and she never helps only takes

sorry venting to much just rambling as you know whats going on here under this roof

thank you all again
 

Danpal

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She sounds move like my sister inlaw has alot of money and always trying to get more from us and her father.

Like I said you want to vent send me a pm I been dealing with alot as well so been there and done that. Only thing that kept me was my 3 kids and UO
 

Stinky Pete

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I too have had to deal with this. You know I'm not one for beating around the bush, so let me just say that you need to get her in a facility made to deal with that as soon as possible. A Google search should turn up results of places in your area. You aren't qualified to deal with this yourself and the longer you attempt to do it, the more it will destroy you. Don't let her guilt you out of it. She will try. The best thing for her is to be around people who know how to deal with it, and the best thing for you is to take care of yourself and your kids. If there was ever a time to listen to anything I say, this is it. Get her help... Tomorrow.
 

Traleah

Visitor
I am so very sorry to hear you are dealing with this issue. You must take care of yourself, or you will not be able to help your children or yourself. Do contact the Alzheimer's Association. Maybe they can help you get in touch with a social worker that can help point you in the direction of some help.

If you find a nice place that will consistently provide good, kind care, your health and your family's health will benefit. Just check each place out carefully, and if you can search it, try to look at their department of health surveys and/or investigations.
 

petemage

Babbling Loonie
Stratics Veteran
Stratics Legend
UNLEASHED
Hi all

I have been struggling with my mother that has dementia for a few years now and feel like I'm sinking.
I cant work full days or even full weeks at this point because of the amount of care required.
I've tried to get help from the state and can't
I feel very guilty about thinking about putting her in a nursing home, not even sure if I can or how to.
I have 5 kids Ive been neglecting because of the demands put on me by this.

really not sure what to do any more, any advise /help would be greatly appreciated

Thank you
The only advice I can offer is please don't feel guilty about doing whatever you deem necessary. From those couple words I can tell you only want the best for her.
 

Luc of Legends

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My sister and I have been dealing with the same thing. Our father was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia in 2017 and passed away January 10, 2022. Sis and I have no children so we were able to devote ourselves to Daddy's care. Please be careful with nursing homes. Daddy had a stroke in May that left him paralyzed on his left side. The hospital advised us to take him to a nursing home to rehab. Our first choice called us 24 hours before he was to be released from the hospital to tell us they wouldn't take him. We had 24hrs to find another place. We chose one close to the family home. It turned into a nightmare. They lied to us. They neglected Daddy, refusing to bath him, shave him, or change him leaving him to sit in his own filth. Sis and I raised HELL with them. We reported them to every state regulatory agency we could. Unfortunately Oklahoma is 48th out of 50 states in care for the elderly and quite possibly #1 in corruption. We actually had the jerk from adult protective services (APS) tell us that Daddy had the right to CHOOSE to be dirty and not to be changed. Sis unloaded on him! She told him that, that was grade A fertilizer and he was a worthless dung heap of a human being to allow helpless elderly people to suffer like that. She even had the Chutzpah to ask him how much he was being paid off to turn a blind eye to the neglect and suffering of the elderly. We got dad out of there, but he was already in decline. had pressure sores on his tailbone and heels. You can get help from the fed, don't let them B.S. you. Tell them she is dependent on you and she is HOMELESS. Daddy still had his home and some retirement. There is a lot of help out there you have really got to hunt for it. You will be turned down the first time SO DON'T GIVE UP! Also if you mom served in the Military there is VA aid available. Be warned the VA is slower than molasses in January. Anything we can do to help you let us know. We've walk the long sad, road. Now we've said Goodbye to Daddy and we've start on the road of grief. We were already walking this road as we lost Mama in 2020 to congestive Heart failure. Now it seems doubly hard and lonely realizing Sis and I are all we have left in the world.
 

old gypsy

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I just saw this thread tonight, skett, and I understand what you are going through. Well over a year ago I decided to help care for my elder sister and brother-in-law who were determined to continue living independently (although their children tried unsuccessfully to convince them to go into assisted living). My sister (age 83) has mid-stage Alzheimer's. My brother-in-law (age 85) is suffering from multiple medical conditions, including congestive heart failure.

This is not an easy road to travel, but please don't feel guilty if you can no longer provide the kind of care your mother needs as the disease progresses (and it will). I've had my own guilt-ridden misgivings about the wisdom of having committed to this journey in the first place (I'm 76 years old and cannot know how long my own health will hold up). Their doctor has told my brother-in-law that my sister should be placed in a care facility, but he informed the doctor that's never going to happen. Since I can't go back on my promise to help them, I try to take good care of myself as well.

Folks here have offered some good advice. Definitely check out the Alzheimer's Association website. Search for support groups in your immediate locality as well. Last but never least, please don't forget that quality self-care is just as important as the care you are providing to your mother. Be as kind to yourself as you are to her.

Prayers and best wishes...
 

skett

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Thank you ALL for your support.
I'm now in the process of placing my mom in a home, should be about a week is what I'm told.

I told myself and all my friends and family I would never put her in a home. the guilt of not being able to take care of her is beyond words. I'm ashamed of myself and feel like i failed her.

The kind words here and from friends have help tremendously.

Thank you all so very very much.
 

Stinky Pete

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Thank you ALL for your support.
I'm now in the process of placing my mom in a home, should be about a week is what I'm told.

I told myself and all my friends and family I would never put her in a home. the guilt of not being able to take care of her is beyond words. I'm ashamed of myself and feel like i failed her.

The kind words here and from friends have help tremendously.

Thank you all so very very much.
Good move. The guilt will dissipate once you see how much better it is for her. Remember to visit often.
 

Merlin

The Enchanter
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Glad to hear you have found a solution for your mother. I have watched the pain of my parents and in-laws deal with grandparents who are well into the 80's and 90's and not want to accept much of any solution that would result in them ending up in a home. It puts a great burden on the family, financially and emotionally. I will send up a few prayers on your behalf that everything continues to move in a positive direction. Please keep us updated. :heart:
 

old gypsy

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I'm so happy you found a good place for your mother, skett. I agree with what Merlin posted this morning. Although family members have the best of intentions when keeping a loved one at home, the level of professional care required is so often beyond our abilities - not to mention the emotional and financial burden you and so many others experience. I have already informed my daughters that if I am ever diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I neither expect nor want them to take on that burden. Please take care of yourself and reject those guilt feelings. You have made the best choice possible. God bless!
 

Miretar

Journeyman
Hi all

I have been struggling with my mother that has dementia for a few years now and feel like I'm sinking.
I cant work full days or even full weeks at this point because of the amount of care required.
I've tried to get help from the state and can't
I feel very guilty about thinking about putting her in a nursing home, not even sure if I can or how to.
I have 5 kids Ive been neglecting because of the demands put on me by this.

really not sure what to do any more, any advise /help would be greatly appreciated

Thank you
You should not feel guilty about this. My sister & I went through this last summer. Your mother’s condition requires professional care—not matter how much you love her you personally cannot give her that care. For us at least, there was a bright side—my mother loves her new home and is blissfully happy. She is far happier there than she was in her old home. There are extremely good facilities available. Check with the local senior center they were able to recommend people to help. One of them also did deeper and more in depth research on the potential places we were looking at for my mother. We could not have done it with outside help. PM me if you have question.
 

morPR

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Stratics Veteran
Stratics Legend
My mother had dementia from age 65 to 75. She passed in 2019.

I was given the shock of my life to see a diagnosis of the same disease on my paperwork from my insurancce company.
 

Gidge

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My mother had dementia from age 65 to 75. She passed in 2019.

I was given the shock of my life to see a diagnosis of the same disease on my paperwork from my insurancce company.

*hugs*
 
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