To: Minister Dagashi
cc: Agent Callandoar, Agent Nalfein T'sarren, Reformed Pirate Bey'lik
Care of:
<pre> The Ministry of Taxation
Britain
Felucca</pre>
From:
<pre> Otto the Blind
Snow Blind
West Wintermoor 3
Malas </pre>
Tax Status: Handicapped
Re: Disabled projects, Addendum
I would be remiss in my duties if I did not include this final report, giving details of the meeting between myself and TAX Agent Bey'lik. Therefore, here it is, from my personal records.
As my official enquiries as to the whereabouts of the Ministry offices had proven fruitless, I set about asking some of the locals. I was told that a group of ratmen who lived nearby might know, but when I arrived, an annoying fly kept buzzing around my head, and I had to swat it with my hammer. When I was able to return my attention to the ratmen, they all seemed to be lying down on the job.
Undeterred, I set forth for the nearby town. After all, a small orc had told me that his 'Sqeezeee' Spree who lived there, spoke highly of the Ministry's efforts, so perhaps one of their agents was about.
Hearing a local begger offering pigeons for a square meal without feathers in it, I gave the poor man the last of my gold, and rested under a tree, spending a few moments to train the bird that he had given me. I tied a note to it's leg, and hoped that, through some miracle, it might find it's way to one of the agents.
Hearing the clink of glasses nearby, I followed the sound, and found myself at the door of a large building. I stepped inside, and was greeted by the friendly barkeeper. Apparently, I was in Kelmo's pub.
The barkeep had not seen anyone for several hours, but confirmed that the agents did drop in occasionally, and that they were dreadful tippers, but that the 'floor show' normally made up for it. His words puzzled me, but I had more important matters on my mind. Lord Dupre was becoming most frustrated by the Ministry's constant delays in funding the projects he had assigned me, and was starting to speak of reducing the agents income.
I then heard a loud noise behind me, the sound of someone banging their hob-nailed boots on the floorboards. I turned, and asked if someone was there.
A voice came from behind me - I turned again - "Hoy there, Knight"
This surprised me. I was an initiate, true, but a Knight? Nay, not by a long reach!
"Knight? I asked "I be no knight, sir"
The voice came again "I say AHOY THERE!"
AHOY? This was not a ship, was it? Had I gone so far off the path? Where was I? The barkeep had said this was Kelmo's pub, in Iantown. I did not understand this. Again, the voice was behind me. Once more, I turned.
"Oh, there ye be" I said, hoping that the voice would stay in one place this time.
"Barkeep, a drink!" he demanded, in a deep, gruff voice, that reminded me a little of a salty pirate I had once met.
"Nay, sir, I be no knight... not yet, at least, sir" I said, not wanting to mislead whoever this might be.
"Knight in training then, is it?" he asked, again from a different spot. Was this a mage, training teleportation? I heard none of the characteristic sounds that spell made, though. Most strange.
"You do move around a lot" I remarked, turning towards the voice again. "Aye, that it is - I am but an initiate, not a knight."
"It is the lot of a Tax agent" he said. "We must be elusive, swift as the night." My ears pricked up - had I finally found one of the men I had been searching for?
He was still a moment, so I continued "Knight may be bit too strong a word for me - I train with them as an initiate, certainly, but my skills are not those normally associated with knighthood..." he cut me off in mid sentence
"err... what was that Kag told me to be swift as?" I decided to determine just who this person was, hopeful that this truly was one of the agents.
"Is that you then, Agent Bey'lik?"
"WIND!!! He exploded "THAT was it! Swift as the wind!" He did not seem too swift to me, but 'twas too early to pass judgement.
"Aye, I'm special agent Bey'lik". I wondered what was special about him - I probably should have asked. Still, there were more important things to discuss, now that I finally had an agent of the Ministry to talk to! Minister Dupre depended on me!
"'tis good to finally meet you!" I said
"Yeh might say I've been lookin' forward to it" he replied, a slight growl in his tone. I chose to ignore it, and continued.
"Our paths keep missing each other, I fear, but I have finally found you, I am pleased to say! It is not easy for a blind man to track someone down, I am sad to say!"
"Well, being swift as the wind has it's drawbacks. So, then." He cleared his throat rather nastily, and I hoped that there were spitoons available in the pub, and made a note to leave by a route that did not take me past his seat.
"Aye" I said "it seems so. Speaking of wind, how is that young intern of yours - the poor thing seemed to have caught something last time I heard her - poor feverish thing."
"Chilly, I'll bet. Oh, I'll BET she's caught something!" he s****ed.
He seemed less than concerned for his fellow employees, that was certain.
"To business!" He exclaimed, thumping the table, and making the glasses rattle.
"Aye then!" I agreed. Small talk could wait. Here was a chance to get Dupre's projects moving forwards! Still, it never hurt to be courteous - I hoped. I felt in my pouch, but there was little there. "I would offer ye a drink, but I spent all my gold on the poor. I do have a flour sifter."
He sighed, and I wished that I had managed to make more money earlier. "Well, that sifter might hold a drink, if ye are fast, afore it leaks out." He seemed less than impressed with that suggestion, but took the sifter anyway.
"So then, about this .... errrm.....document yeh refer to. I haven't seen it. Dag's not seen it. No one's seen it." He said. I found this strange, as I had securely placed a copy of the document in the safebox on the steps of the Ministry-owned Pawn shop in Luna, just a day before. Could it be that the Ministry's employees... could not read? I decided to test that. Fortunately, I had other documents that Dupre had provided with me.
"Aye? I left one at the offices in Luna, and have another here, if that is all that ails thee!" I handed him one of the larger documents.
I could hear him rustling through the pages, and heard him mumble something about good smoking paper under his breath. Could this man read? I was still unsure. "Ah, yes" he said every now and then.
"The one left at the Luna offices held the original decree" I said. "Being blind, I had to rely on the royal scribes to read it to me."
"So then" he interrupted "just to clarify, the Knights of the Silver Serpent...are formally ready to acknowledge Brittish and his subordinates as rightful rulers? Because yer lot have been denying it fer years!"
What in the world was this man talking about? I had given him a document written by Lord Dupre, not a declaration of war, or even peace, from the knights. This man seemed to have knights on the brain... I was taken aback at such an out-of-place question.
"I wouldn't know about that, sir." I said "I'm just an initiate, not privy to the higher decisions."
He seemed less than impressed by that, too. "Well, if yer boss is lettin' yeh persue this "order", then they must implicitly admit it's authenticity. Ergo, the right of the people it represents to govern."
I decided not to get into an argument just yet, and see where this was leading. "I'd hope so. I'd hate to think that we're both being deceived by anyone."
"Surely that's clear?" he asked. Clear? Very little that he'd said was clear. The only thing clear to me was that this man had a personal vendetta against the knights, and that was making him as blind as me, when it came to any matters that even remotely involved them. Before I could form my next sentence, a loud clattering of hooves from outside, and a horrible hissing noise, followed by someone shouting "my thounge! Ith bitten my thounge again! curth it! Insolent fangth!" That voice was familiar... I thought that I had sent him some fang corks... perhaps he had lost them.
"Ho! I hear hooves and strange noises!" I said
"Well then, all we'll need is a letter from Py formally agreeing to submit to Brittish rule." he said, apparently undisturbed by the loud noises and frenzied lisping from outside. "What, that?" he said, as the barkeep also muttered something about the noise from without.
"That's just some vampires sniffin' around."
"Ah, no matter. I bathed in garlic earlier." I said, raising my arm. It was true, in a way - I had wandered off the path, and, not being able to see, fallen into one of the local farmer's garlic patches. No vampire worthy of the name would have come within ten yards of me. Perhaps I should not have shown off my odour, though. I heard Bey'lik moving away from me a little, with a gasp "yeee gods. The things you knights do!"
I considered his request. From what I knew of Lord Py, the liklihood of him writing any such letter, except perhaps on the feast of All Fools Day, was extremely remote. Still, I had not heard him around much - there was not much cause for him to interact with the initiates, as we trained. I needed to get the conversation back towards Lord Dupre's wished, not some unrelated vendetta. "Well, if ye can find Lord Py, be my gues, indeed" I said. He seemed taken aback at this.
"Find him?"
"Aye, for I am not privy to his wherabouts."
"Yer fergettin' you lot brought this matter to us." he said sarcasticly.
"Aye, I think I have heard his voice about the place once, maybe twice... But nay, nay - ah, I see now where the misunderstanding lies!!!"
He interrupted again "We're not about to investigate this as a matter o duty comin from self-declared rebels!" I had to set this straight, and raised a hand for a moment's silence.
"Nay. Lord Dupre sent his messenger to my house, and demanded that I appear before the royal court. He wanted a skilled crafter who was disabled, to prove to the courts that a disabled man can still work productively! They were SO impressed, they appointed me to lead those projects that I spoke of, one of which ye hold the paperwork for now. The knights are not involved, as far as I know." Oh, why did I have to mention the knights again... it was like a raw steak to a pack of wolves... "All orders have come from Lord Dupre, although my mentor is aware of my activities."
He snorted. "Yeh DO realize that the knights have formally declared hostility toward the King, aye?" I returned this utterly out of place statement with a blank stare.
"I see." he said. I was begining to wonder if he truly DID see anything, beyond his own vendettas. "Ye'll use his proclamations to yer advantage when they suit yer ends, but deny his government when it's time teh pay yer fair share. Now I get it."
This was like talking to a sleeping rock giant.
"I was of the impression that the king was away indefinitely." I asked, hoping to defuse this pointless train of thought. "How can anyone declare hostility towards someone who is not there?"
He took in a long breath, and was silent a moment, obviously taken aback by this. Eventually, he spoke, but his voice was uncertain. "Towards all his representatives, mate."
This man was mostly convinced that the knights, and all who knew them, were determined to harm him - the paranoia was obvious. The poor man - I felt compassion, and tried to calm his fears. "Do I look hostile to you, sir? You give me far too much credit - I am an old, blind man. The only things I am hostile towards are aching muscles and a bad back."
He paused again, and when he spoke, there was more uncertainty in his voice. Was I reaching him? But, no..."yer comin' to us as initiate of the Silver Serpent. That means either yeh agree with their politic, Or yeh got a real problem with conflictin' values"
I was not equipped as yet to argue the Knights philosophies. I knew them, true, but he was in the mood for a fight, and I would be a fool to give him one. I did not yet know the battlefield well enough, and had not gathered enough information on the situation to proceed with tactics like that! I pressed on with my current approach - after all, so far, it seemed to be working, and I had no interest in a fight either. I had not come here to debate, but to help the disabled! I decided to try to show him where his errors were "tell me - you have interns, do you not?"
"Aye! He said loudly. Here was a topic he was obviously fond of. Having met one of his interns, I could see why. "And if they don't agree with our policies, they aren't Interns fer long!" That sounded ominous. Still, I pressed on: "do they start service knowing all there is to know about your ministry?"
"No, we gotta train 'em."
"Precisely!!" I shouted "You have made my point for me! I am still in training. You expect answers that I can not give you as yet."
"So then, can I assume ye'll be leaving the knights? Now that yeh know their stance on rightful rule?" he asked, a hint of concern in his voice. This was a complex man, far more that first impressions had revealed. Perhaps I could get through to him after all.
"I will need to verify all that you say" I said, hoping to get back on track.
"Ha!" he laughed "Yeh hardly need to verify it. They'll brag about it every chance they get! Just ask 'em!"
"Aye, that I will." I replied "But, in the meantime, Lord Dupre grows impatient."
"Not impatient enough to actually SEND the damn document to us!" he spluttered. This was a puzzle.
"But I DID, good sir! They were sent by courier to the doorstep of thy pawn shop!" I heard a small ripping noise. Was he actually going to smoke the royal documents???
"There's no royal seal on this." he said. Ah, so here was his game."It might just be a mistake by the scribe, o' course. Perhaps yeh been duped."
"I can not speak of that, for I can not see it." I said. No, he was not going to delay me again with such poor tactics. "I was assured by Lady Darkstar that it was valid when she handed it to me."
I heard him gulp at the mention of her name. So, there was something this gruff, abrupt tax collector feared. I wondered why - she had always been pleasant towards me. He recovered, though ,and resumed his tirade against the knights.
"Perhaps yer being used by the Knights to stir up trouble. Typical of them." This man really did have a problem with the knights. Had he perhaps been rejected for membership at one time? Most strange. Still, he was somewhat under-equipped for a battle of wits...
"I doubt that sir - I have heard the Lady Darkstar speak at public gatherings before, and her voice is known to me. 'twas indeed she who handed me that, and the others which I sent to thee."
He snorted again, loudly. "Be that as it may, as long as yer an affiliate of the knights, yer speaking for them." I would have received a more intelligent response from a rock troll. If he could only talk about something other than knights!
A thought crossed my mind, as I remembered a joke that the Lady herself had once told me. I tried to look serious, and leaned forwards, and whispered to him "ye do not think...." I paused a moment for effect.
"that Lady Darkstar is... a rebel??"
I should have remembered... civil servants never have a good sense of humour, and this one was no exception. In abstract terror, he murmured "I never said that." He was silent, but I could hear his breathing, short and shallow, and his chair creaked as he obviously looked about to see if anyone was listening.
"Nay, nay, of course not!" I said. Well, humour wasn't going to work. Back to business then. I spread out the plans on the bar, feeling the royal seal firmly attached to the bottom of each one. He ignored them, apparently, but I was sure that he saw it. He knew that he was out of his depth, but tried to get control of the situation back.
"Anyway, before the Ministry can take anything seriously coming from rebels, they've got to recant. Bring my Py's formal statement of allegience to the throne, and we can get to work on this. That is all. Good day sir."
The plans had obviously unsettled him. I could not let him leave NOW! " I am not a rebel, sir. One moment, please!"
He groaned. "Aye?" he asked wearily.
"I fear that ye will cause problems for thy minister." I said, trying a different approach. There had to be something that would get his mind off the knights, and onto the community! He laughed. "Wouldn't be the first time!"
"Ah, but Lord Dupre spoke of a review, and, if this project fails, Ministry funding will be reduced. That could affect your wages."
This, indeed was true. Lord Dupre had spoken of reviewing many departments, and, as he put it, weeding out the chaff. Minister Dagashi's name had come up several times. I was not a part of that conversation, as he had requested that I stop his chair squeaking, and was working on levelling the legs at the time, but I had heard it, nontheless.
Bey'lik exploded. I seemed to have found a sore spot.
"Funding? FUNDING!!!!! WE don't GET any bloody FUNDING!" he yelled, pounding the bar furiously!
What was this? The intern I had spoken with earlier in the month had boasted of amazing payments, of health plans, and of 'regular rises from the boss'. 'Personal growth' was another term that she had used. Was this man really a tax agent, or was I being mislead?
"Actually" he said wryly, "I take that back. Bloody funding is the only sort we do get. And we're quite capable of continuing to get it."
I felt sorry for him, and patted his shoulder compassionately. "Now I understand why your poor intern was so unwell! Tell me, this Lord British you speak of... how do you feel that he lets you suffer so?"
I heard a swish of air as his arm shot up - he was probably making a vulgar gesture towards Lord British. After a long silence, he spoke, uncertainly.
"It's not.. his doing." I offered him an apple - he must have been starving. "his policies are good..." he trailed off, not sounding convinced. Then, the knights must have re-entered his brain...
"It's the blasted rebels and delinquents that put the burden on us!"
I tried to get back on track, or at least make him more prone to listen.
"This is not right, though" I said "that ye should be so ill treated!"
"Nay, it isn't." he agreed glumly. Was I getting through? Was there hope for the disabled?
"If there is no funding coming into the department, how can it be the fault of any outside the administration?"
"Oh, we're granted 2% of taxes collected..." he said "we are the income. They can't give back to us what we don't bring in. British don't give nuffin from other income to us. "
Two? this made no sense, not with what I had heard, both from his colleagues, and from elsewhere around the British corridors of power. Yet, he had dropped the 'Lord' from British for a moment. He was obviously not happy with his work.
"Two percent? How unfair! A man such as yourself is worth far more!"
he mumbled something about wanting to secure things... his mind was obviously not entirely intact. "it's a tough job no doubt. Fer instance, I gotta go to the ministry and split this apple yeh gave me seven ways."
That seemed unlikely, as I had already heard him munching on it, and heard the core land with a clang in a nearby bucket, but I let him be, and nodded. Still curious, I pressed on. "Why, that intern I spoke of said that she was receiving a massive salary! She was receiving seventeen percent, and bonus payments every time she did well!" I shook my head sadly.
He thought for a while, and muttered about other evaders that he needed to catch. This was getting nowhere. I reached to push the plans along the bar towards him, only to find that they were gone. The smell of smoke reached my nose. Thankfully, those were copies, but the royal scribes would not be pleased. Hmm. Perhaps another approach was needed.
I started putting forward some ideas that might help him catch more tax evaders, such as employing imps, but this seemed to irritate him.
With a last complaint about knights, he rose from his chair, muttering something about unfair policies, and stormed towards the door. The last thing I heard him say was "I'll give him seventeen percent of a wooden stake, that..." and the door slammed behind him.
An interesting day, but sadly, a fruitless one. I still did not have my funding.
I spoke with some of the residents briefly, to see if he had truly departed, but it seemed that he had. I sighed, and returned home. At least now, I knew where to occasionally find a tax agent. Next time, I would try to have enough gold to buy the poor man a drink. To think, Lord British would allow his own servants to suffer so... it tore at my heart.
