THE YEW TIMES DECEMBER 2013
WORLD NEWS
KEY WITNESS FOUND DEAD
Investigators are distressed over the latest development where Elinore Green, a star witness in an organized crimes trial was found dead, apparently having electrocuted herself by using a lightning wand while bathing in her new clawfoot bathtub. A spokesman for the Investigations department was dismayed at the obvious senselessness of the incident in light of the dire need to find credible witnesses to indict key criminal organizers in the case. The spokesman stated that this has been the worst setback in the investigation since the previous key witness accidentally shot himself twice in the back of the head with a crossbow.
CITIZENS UPSET WITH BROKEN HOLIDAY TRADITION
An unfriendly gathering of locals surrounded Empathy Abbey hurling slurs against the monks over their failure to maintain an old holiday tradition. Citizens had petitioned that the monks display the Candle of Love at the abbey as they had done in the past during the holiday season. So far there has been no positive response from the brothers of the Abbey. One citizen spoke on the matter saying, "We all have fond memories of the tradition. Every year my pa would bring me to the abbey and the candle would be lit, and there would be a large crowd gathered. Then the head abbot would come out and give an unforgettable speech on the principle of love that would bring a tear to your eyes. He would say something or another about love, or being kind kind to others or something. Sometimes, some drunken wise guy would show up and try to talk over the padre, and they'd later find that someone tuned that guy up with a tree branch or something, and left him lying out in the snow outside." Another local offered, "Yeah, it's a shame that they don't have anyone in charge like Father Whatshisface from years ago. This place is obviously now run by a bunch of morons with no respect for traditional values or people in general. Why is it so much trouble to put the stupid candle out so people could enjoy it?"
NAUGHTY AND NICE REWARDED THIS YEAR
This holiday season, even those on the naughty list received something in their stockings. An ettin with contented expressions on its faces was seen sporting an extra long scarf wrapped about its necks. Not even the forgotten servants in the abyss were forgotten this year, and were last seen enjoying a 15' party sub. Paroxymous couldn't wait to try his new Shake-a-Weight; having put on a few pounds over the holiday season. The Slasher of Veils was slashing open the wrapping paper of a wrapped hot chocolate sampler. Even the blind gazer selling pencils at the honesty moongate received a gift to lift his spirits; warm woolen mittens.
ADVERTISEMENTS
Join the Jelly of the month club now and receive a special 50 gp discount. This month's flavor: pinecone
Wendy Wonderland and the Sosarian Bell ringers will regale elderly residents of the Britain Assisted Living facility with a wintry extravaganza of merriment. The ringers will provide 2 hours of everyone's Christmas favorites while Wendy rhythmically shakes her snow globes. The festivities will end with a raffle. A Lucky winner will be awarded a decorative yule log, and attendees will receive a complimentary fruit cup and a moistened towelette.
CHILDREN'S CORNER
A VISIT FROM "THAT GUY"
Twas late in December
When the snow on the ground
Lay clean and unbroken
And deep as you're round.
The folks in the village
Were a snuggled abed
Still drunk from last night
With a pain in the head.
When from down the lane
Came a jingle of tack
Twas a great hairy beast
With a man on its back.
But this was no man
For he raged as he came
Like one who is mad
Completely insane.
He lashed at his beast
As he cackled with glee
He circled the square
Dragging a tree.
The tree did protest
But he silenced its rout
With a swing from a club
Pon its head did he clout.
He centered the tree
On the hill in the square
So it could be seen
From most anywhere.
Then he leaped to his beast
As it bellowed and started
Hiked up his leg
And trumpet-like farted.
"From now on mortals
I do decree
Go forth on this day
And kill you a tree!"
Then he lashed at his beast
And threw gifts on the ground
Belching and farting
On his way out of town
The townsfolk stood shocked
Quite unsure who to thank
When he shouted back,
"Merry Christmas to all from Grizlor the Rank!"
WORLD NEWS
KEY WITNESS FOUND DEAD
Investigators are distressed over the latest development where Elinore Green, a star witness in an organized crimes trial was found dead, apparently having electrocuted herself by using a lightning wand while bathing in her new clawfoot bathtub. A spokesman for the Investigations department was dismayed at the obvious senselessness of the incident in light of the dire need to find credible witnesses to indict key criminal organizers in the case. The spokesman stated that this has been the worst setback in the investigation since the previous key witness accidentally shot himself twice in the back of the head with a crossbow.
CITIZENS UPSET WITH BROKEN HOLIDAY TRADITION
An unfriendly gathering of locals surrounded Empathy Abbey hurling slurs against the monks over their failure to maintain an old holiday tradition. Citizens had petitioned that the monks display the Candle of Love at the abbey as they had done in the past during the holiday season. So far there has been no positive response from the brothers of the Abbey. One citizen spoke on the matter saying, "We all have fond memories of the tradition. Every year my pa would bring me to the abbey and the candle would be lit, and there would be a large crowd gathered. Then the head abbot would come out and give an unforgettable speech on the principle of love that would bring a tear to your eyes. He would say something or another about love, or being kind kind to others or something. Sometimes, some drunken wise guy would show up and try to talk over the padre, and they'd later find that someone tuned that guy up with a tree branch or something, and left him lying out in the snow outside." Another local offered, "Yeah, it's a shame that they don't have anyone in charge like Father Whatshisface from years ago. This place is obviously now run by a bunch of morons with no respect for traditional values or people in general. Why is it so much trouble to put the stupid candle out so people could enjoy it?"
NAUGHTY AND NICE REWARDED THIS YEAR
This holiday season, even those on the naughty list received something in their stockings. An ettin with contented expressions on its faces was seen sporting an extra long scarf wrapped about its necks. Not even the forgotten servants in the abyss were forgotten this year, and were last seen enjoying a 15' party sub. Paroxymous couldn't wait to try his new Shake-a-Weight; having put on a few pounds over the holiday season. The Slasher of Veils was slashing open the wrapping paper of a wrapped hot chocolate sampler. Even the blind gazer selling pencils at the honesty moongate received a gift to lift his spirits; warm woolen mittens.
ADVERTISEMENTS
Join the Jelly of the month club now and receive a special 50 gp discount. This month's flavor: pinecone
Wendy Wonderland and the Sosarian Bell ringers will regale elderly residents of the Britain Assisted Living facility with a wintry extravaganza of merriment. The ringers will provide 2 hours of everyone's Christmas favorites while Wendy rhythmically shakes her snow globes. The festivities will end with a raffle. A Lucky winner will be awarded a decorative yule log, and attendees will receive a complimentary fruit cup and a moistened towelette.
CHILDREN'S CORNER
A VISIT FROM "THAT GUY"
Twas late in December
When the snow on the ground
Lay clean and unbroken
And deep as you're round.
The folks in the village
Were a snuggled abed
Still drunk from last night
With a pain in the head.
When from down the lane
Came a jingle of tack
Twas a great hairy beast
With a man on its back.
But this was no man
For he raged as he came
Like one who is mad
Completely insane.
He lashed at his beast
As he cackled with glee
He circled the square
Dragging a tree.
The tree did protest
But he silenced its rout
With a swing from a club
Pon its head did he clout.
He centered the tree
On the hill in the square
So it could be seen
From most anywhere.
Then he leaped to his beast
As it bellowed and started
Hiked up his leg
And trumpet-like farted.
"From now on mortals
I do decree
Go forth on this day
And kill you a tree!"
Then he lashed at his beast
And threw gifts on the ground
Belching and farting
On his way out of town
The townsfolk stood shocked
Quite unsure who to thank
When he shouted back,
"Merry Christmas to all from Grizlor the Rank!"
