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UO Chronicle Today – Exclusive Poolside Interview with Lifeguard Zelda

Zelda of Zed

Journeyman
Governor
UO Chronicle Today – Exclusive Poolside Interview with Lifeguard Zelda
(A conversation sprinkled with chlorine, sass, and questionable sportsmanship)


UO Chronicle Today:
Zelda, congratulations on surviving Week 1 of the UO Diving Competition without blowing a whistle so hard your lip gloss cracked. How’s the pool feeling after the chaos?
Lifeguard Zelda:
Well, the water’s got just the right amount of chlorine to keep the pool safe… and just enough competitor tears to keep me entertained. I call it “The Essence of Defeat.”

UO Chronicle Today:
Speaking of defeat, let’s talk about the Week 1 scoreboard. How did the competitors fare?
Lifeguard Zelda:
Oh, it was a spectacle. Here’s how the leaderboard stands after the first round of splashy shenanigans:

1️⃣ Daria — 20 points (Clearly owning the pool like the true pro she is.)
2️⃣ James — 15 points (Still suspiciously too calm for someone this close to the edge.)
3️⃣ Hong Kong — 13 points (Making waves and taking names.)
4️⃣ Grob — 9 points (Surviving… barely.)
5️⃣ 8-Ball — 8 points (8 points, 8-Ball… coincidence? I think not. Told ya she was of the fishy persuasion.)
5️⃣ Marishka — 8 points (Tied but fighting fiercely.)
7️⃣ Rosemary — 6 points (A splash here, a splash there… and possibly coned the host. Still processing that one.)
8️⃣ Joseph — 1 point (Better than minus four — we take small victories here.)
9️⃣ Scarlett — -4 points (Attempted art… achieved chaos.)
Lil Mic — -4 points (Also living in the underwater penalty zone.)


UO Chronicle Today:
That’s… quite the spread. Any standout moments?
Lifeguard Zelda:
Oh, several. Scarlett attempted what I can only describe as “interpretive aqua ballet,” which morphed into “interpretive sinking.” Rosemary forgot that the goal is to enter the pool on purpose. And Daria? She hit the water like a ninja — silent, deadly, and absolutely determined to destroy the competition.


UO Chronicle Today:
Will Tuesday night at 8 pm est Week 2 be even more intense? (bosses permiting)
Lifeguard Zelda:
Darling, Week 2 will make Week 1 look like kiddie swim. I’ve stocked extra bandages, extra towels, and doubled the chlorine.
May the best splash win.
 
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