Tell me a Joke!!

[RedDaTeef]

Ok so ppl, lighten up and tell a joke!!

3 ducks are in court and up facing the judge.
Judge says to the first duck, "What is your name and what did you do?"
Duck says, " My name Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond."
"Ok" the judge says, "six months"
"Next duck", "what is your name and what did you do"
Next duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond."
"Ok, your sentence same as the 1st duck, six months" the judge says.
The next duck comes up and the judge says, " don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack"
"No" the duck says, "my name is Bubbles."
rolleyes:
Bruddah Iz told me that joke.

 

[TheScoundrelRico]

So a horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"...la

 

[Kat]

This guy is doing 120 on the interstate and gets pulled by a state trooper. The trooper asks for his license.

"Don’t have one" the man says.
"Why not?" asks the trooper. "
Well after my fifth DUI the judge suspended it for life" he says.
"You’ve had five DUI's?" asks the trooper.
"Yep" the guy says.
"Well can I see the registration to this car?" the trooper asks.
The man tells him, "nope it ain’t mine."
"Where did you get it?"
"oh I stole it" the guy tells him.
"You stole it? well wheres the owner?"
"Well... I killed her, her bodies in the trunk, but I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I put my pistol in there."

The trooper had had enough, he called his captain and said, "Captain you gotta get out here we got a friggin’ lunatic over here."

When the captain shows up he says to the guy, " My officer says you have no drivers license."

" Yes sir I do." and promptly pulls out a valid license.
The captain says, "can I look in your trunk?"
"Sure",the guy says.

The captain looks but only finds a spare tire and jack. "One more thing, can I look in your glove box?"

"Go right ahead," the guy tells him. He looks, but finds no pistol and the registration is in the guys name.

He looks at the guy and says, " I don’t understand this. My officer said you didn’t have a license because you had five DUI's, that you stole this car, killed the owner, put her body in the trunk and put the pistol in the glove box."

"Yeh?" the guy says. "The lying jerk probably said I was speeding too, huh?"

 

[Tjalle]

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

 

[K'torr]

A Skeleton walks into a bar, and orders a Beer and a mop.

 

[Bubbles]

I'm the only real Bubbles !!

 

[Rumpelstiltskin]

It’s the spring of 1959, and Bobby arrives at his date’s house to take her to a dance. When he knocks on the door, her dad answers.

“Have a seat,” the old man says. “Peggy Sue will be ready in a minute.” The dad grabs Bobby a cold beer, and the two sit down together. “You know,” the dad says, “my daughter really loves to screw. She just loves to work up a sweat.” He smiles proudly and winks at Bobby, who has nearly choked on his beer. “Yup, yup,” the dad continues. “She loves that screwing. Just can’t get enough of it.”

When Peggy Sue comes down the stairs, Bobby hurries her out the door to his car. Five minutes later, she comes running back inside. “Damn it, Daddy!” she screams. “The twist! It’s called the twist!”

 

[Rumpelstiltskin]

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"

"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.

"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either."

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies?"

 

[Bennos Morales]

An Irish Priest is transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:

'Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There be a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit replied, 'Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied, 'Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

 

[HaHa]

The gamewarden (game keeper for you brits) watched as the man tied his boat to the dock with a large pile of fish in it. "Wow!" the game warden exclaimed "ive been watching over this lake for years and been fishing it since I was a little boy and ive never pulled that many fish, youve got to show me your trick!" The man agreed to meet the game warden at the same dock the next day to take him out on the lake.
The next morning they met and set off onto the lake , as they got to the middle of the lake the man pulled out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and tossed it overboard. Seconds later the dynamite exploded under water and fish began rising to the top. "HEY!" , the game warden yelled, "Thats illegal , you cant do that, I should arrest your ass!" The man calmly lit another stick , stuck it into the game wardens shirt pocket and said "Buddy you gonna talk, or you gonna fish?"

 

[Calibretto]

One morning my wife catches me putting something in her panties.


She's like "wtf is that."


"Slim fast" I tell her.







Next day I walk around the corner she has my boxers and is sprinkling something in them.


I'm like "wtf are you. Doing WTF is that!?!?!"



"Miracle grow" she says.

 

[kelmo]

I approve this thread. Raunchy is OK. Perverse or racist will not fly.

 

[Bennos Morales]

What do you call 100 white guys chasing a black guy?


The PGA

(sorry Kelmo)

 

[HaHa]

*snickers*

 

[Rumpy]

Wanna hear a joke..?

Social Security.

 

[Rumpy]

So me and my friend were talking the other day.. Literally.. An he asked me where his flying car was. Weren't they suppose to have them by now? I simply replied, "Its right next to your social security check."

 

[Chardonnay]

SP population is fine...

 

[Reuggan]

Here are a couple


Scooter and his wife Lucy went to the state fair every year, and every year Scooter would say, 'Lucy, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.
Lucy always replied,'I know Scooter, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Scooter and Lucy went to the fair, and Scooter said,
'Lucy, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Lucy replied,'Scooter that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Scooter and Lucy agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Scooter and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Scooter replied,'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Lucy fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'




Scooter walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks,'What are you doing?' She answers,'I'm moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.'
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees Scooter packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he is going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.'

 

[Alrich]

I know few of ya will enjoy this

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local
coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I
came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed
me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another
ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him?a 'doughnut eating
Gestapo. '

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more
tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car
that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that
said, 'Obama in ' 08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells
me that it's important to my health.

 

[Rumpelstiltskin]

King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
“This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe,” said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch. “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal “short arm” inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur. “My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

 

[K'torr]

A young kid is growing up on a farm. He comes down one morning and his Mother tells him he's not getting breakfast till he does his chores. So he goes down to the barn, and while milking the Cow, he kicks the Cow. While Feeding the Chickens, he kicks the Chickens. And while feeding the pigs, he kicks the pigs. He comes back into the house and his mother puts a dry bowl of Corn Flakes before him.
He says "Thats all I get?"
His Mother says "I saw you kick the Cow, so you're not getting any Milk. I saw you kick the Chickens, so your not getting any Eggs. And I saw you kick the pigs so your not getting any bacon".
Just then the Father comes into the kitchen and kicks the cat. The kid loots to his Mother and says "You gonna tell him, or should I?'

 

[Meat]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She
goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina'.

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same
man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina'.

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a
loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide
behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going
with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
'Do you have vagina?'

'Yes' she says......

The man replies... 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to
leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?'

 

[King Edward]

A lawyer in a lavish office is sitting in his office waiting for his 1 PM appointment.
Theres a knock at the door, he says come in, and a large black and white mouse wearing red shorts walks in the door and sits down in the chair across from the lawyer.
"Can I help you sir?" the lawyer asks.
"I wanna devorce Minny Mouse" the mouse replies.
The lawyer looks thru his notes from the first contact over the phone with the mouse.
"Well... When you called you said your wife is a little crazy. Not very good grounds for devorce, Sir. Where gonna need more than that if you want the judge to grant the devorce".
The mouse chokes, turns red, and replies, "Crazy??? I said she was *ucking Goofy!"

 

[UncleSham]

big chief calls the town doctor out to his teepee. "wife have-um baby"

the doctor gets there and see a bunch of kids already there. he askes the chief "these are all your kids?" the chief nods and says "me go uh, wife go uh, wife have-um baby".

doc says "you know we have this thing called birth controll." he gives chief a rubber and tells him how to use it.

9 months later chief again calls the doc to his teepee. "wife have-um baby"

doc says " didnt you use the rubber?"

chief says "me go uh, wife go uh, rubber go boom , wife have-um baby"

doc gives the chief a heavy duity rubber and tells him to use that.

9 months later chief calls the doc to his teepee.

doc says "didnt you use the new rubber i gave you ?"

chief says "me go uh, wife go uh, rubber go boom , wife have-um baby"

the doc thinks for a moment and goes back to town . gets a bycicle tire innertube . cuts it to the propper length and ties a knot in one end. he takes it to the chief and says "ok use this"

shortly after chief calls the doc back to the teepee .

doc says "ok now what ?"

chief says "me go uh, wife go uh, rubber go uh, left nut go boom"

 

[Troop]

A sandwich walks into a bar. He sits down on a bar stool, the bar tender comes up, looks at him square in the eye and says "we don't serve food here".