Poor Little Drummer Boy

[Fat Tony]

I was tired and bored as I aimlessly roamed Britannia looking for a mark. There weren’t many to be found. I finally hit pay dirt when I stepped into the Tokuno Mines. Bourne Killa was there but unfortunately for me, that did not end well. Pay dirt quickly turned into a dirt nap when I caught her attention while peeking through her belongings.

Next I went to Britain and followed a young squire to the bank but unfortunately his bankbox had nothing but cobwebs.



I noticed a scantily clad young lady named Morrowyn but her pockets had less than she was wearing.



I was about to give up when I decided to try the mines one more time. I quickly spied a bunch of fresh corpses and knew that a mark would be nearby.



I quickly caught up with a bard named Inn Gabirol. He seemed to be preoccupied by the locals and did not notice me peeking into his pack. As I looked for valuables, I realized that I was extremely thirsty. He had a colorful bottle of alcohol and being thirsty, YOINK! I borrowed it from him.



It quenched my thirst and the burst of alcohol made me feel like causing some mischief. I wondered how well he would fare if I helped myself to his bardic utensil. I soon found my chance and YOINK! His drum was mine!



Well he seemed to be smarter than the average bard and somehow produced another one and continued trying to charm the locals of the mine. I was slightly annoyed that he had continued playing so once again, YOINK! I relieved him of that as well.



Not to be outdone, that most annoying bard must have had one hiding in the seat of his pants because he was still playing. I refused to let this stand, so I made my move. 3rd time is a charm and 4th must be too heavy because this note fell flat.



The loot wasn’t the best, but I walked away with my thirst quenched and 2 instruments to annoy others with. This is the end of my tale, until next time, keep your bags closed. YOINK!

 

[fonsvitae]

What our narrator, Big Boned Tony, has rather disingenuously omitted from his account is that, prior to being fallen upon by him at the mines, the fair bard of this tale was met most inauspiciously by a certain Strange Odor Pete and also by the See You At The Wal Mart Parking Lot At Night Stalker. Being surprised at this trios remarkable skill in imitating crazed mosquitoes, the bard chose to hand out red colored lollipops for bopping his new acquaintances - of which only two he was able to deliver with the amiable help of his vollems, an ordeal which lasted nearly ten minutes with no terrible harm done to our musically inclined friend.

But wait! My last lollipop has lost its erection!

 

[Fat Tony]

Big Boned Tony enjoyed himself, even more so after finding out that he annoyed the bard, Mission accomplished!

 

[fonsvitae]

Seeing! as that these thieves are most keen at shaking up their peaceful neighbors, and
Seeing! as such behavior does indeed merit a comeuppance of an adequate sort, and
Seeing! that said same thieves have most surreptitiously stepped into a veritable trap of their own making, and
Seeing! that it was deigned fit and good by no less an authority than the gods of chance, having smiled down upon your humble narrator to be sole witness to this vicious and unstoppable trap, and
Seeing! that you are now wondering, Just what in tarnation is this gift to merriment going on about?
Well, then! we will now embark on an explosive exposition of facts which will put all in order and relate answers to the rightfully perplexed.

Please see exhibit (a), culled from the OP’s own trove of images, wherein is seen your humble narrators open pack; notice the musical lollipop still intact.

Aha! As the OP has correctly related, the lollipop was here stolen. But wait! What is that my eye does spy, sitting pretty in the spot just recently occupied by the sequestered pop? Exhibit (b) shows us the trasure that the thieves did not have any idea of and yet sat just under their noses...

In exhibits (c) & (d) we can see that the precious treasure has been moved to a safe distance by your humble narrator, all of this unbeknownst to the cretin being soundly bopped (the proof is in the pudding that, to this day, said cretin has not claimed this item as among those stolen).

Oh, my: the view from here is breathtaking! Thanks!

Spoiler: secret message

Since you have failed to achieve, even in the modest task that was your charge, since you have stolen only the lint lining the bottom of my container, since you have unrepentantly betrayed my trust: I have no choice but to tell these vollems to do whatever is necessary to recover their red lollipops from you, Oh, Low Hanging Chads. And with Mesanna as my witness, I will tell you this: any further harm visited upon the furry, little creatures you were caught playing patty cake with in the more tucked away parts of the mines will be visited tenfold upon your heads.

... my goodness, sirs. I will not abide another broken lollipop.

 

[Fat Tony]

Big Boned Tony believes that the half-baked bard has officially went around the bend...

Seeing! The opportunist that he is, saw a perfect chance to instigate and teach travelers to be weary of their surroundings.
Seeing! The the brilliant lilac hued bottle would quench said opportunist's thirst...YOINK! MMMM TASTY!
Seeing! The strange hide covered box that was hued blood red intrigued the instigator who also wanted a chance to thump on it...YOINK! Alas, the tiny-minded bard had taken his aggression out on it and it faltered.
Seeing! There was another! Maybe this one would sound better. YOINK! Yes, this one was melodic and the hero of the story wandered out composing amazing ballads.
Seeing! The thick-skulled bard pouted his way out of the cave beating a melancholy tune into the distance....