Im afraid weve got some bad news. Our lawyers just informed us that Karthus has received a drunken disorderly following our last 18 concerts, which is news to us because we just found out thats an actual crime. Unfortunately, this Demacian judge is a real hardass, and the only plea deal hes offering requires us to assign Karthus a sober companion to keep him from relapsing. We tried to explain that anybody who gets between Karthus and the keg usually winds up dead, but he keeps insisting. Besides, sending Karthus to jail would mean canceling the tour, and were already in the hole since Olaf burned down that hotel in Piltover because the concierge insulted his hat.
I guess well have to interview some candidates. But first pass me that bottle of Jarvan Walker. I havent had breakfast yet, and theres no way I can make a decision like this on an empty stomach.
- I think youre over-qualified for this position, Kennen MD. We appreciate your interest, but you may find this particular patients vitals difficult to monitor. You know because hes dead. 487 RP
- Its cool that you want to roll out the red carpet, King Tryndamere, but I think Karthus might have some trouble fitting in with your entourage. Besides, weve crossed some lines before, but Im not sure the labels thrilled by the idea of putting up a legal defense for regicide. 487 RP
- Sorry, Bilgewater Swain. This band has to take a stand against piracy, and I just wouldnt feel right employing somebody whos part of the problem even if the jobs likely to lead to a grisly death. Try buying a record next time. 487 RP
- What the hell are you thinking, showing up here, Nautilus? You cant be a sober companion you drink like a fish! Look us up when youre back on the wagon. 487 RP
- Corki, the last time we asked you to keep an eye on Karthus, he convinced you to let him drive the gyrocopter. The cops said that his blood alcohol levels were at nearly 100%. Sorry, but thats just bad judgment. 395 RP
- Look, Swain, did you think Id change my mind just because you switched skins? You downloaded the last ten albums off Bilgewater Bay; youre not getting a job with the band! 440 RP
Unless you buy them, well have to hire one of these poor saps to keep Karthus off the sauce. Thats not going to end well for anybody, so head over to the League of Legends store between February 15 and the sentencing hearing on February 18.