StressBall
Adventurer
What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? "Paddy O'Furniture"
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An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"
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Paddie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”
The barman asks: “What do you have?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”
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An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"
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A young Irish boy said to his grandfather, “Make a frog noise for me, Grandad.”
“No, son, I don’t feel like making a frog noise right now.”
“Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise.”
“No, I don’t want to.”
“Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise.”
“Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?”
“Mum says when you croak we can have this house.”
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“I had an accident opening a can of alphabet spaghetti this morning,” said Murphy.
“Were you injured?” enquired Seamus.
“No, but it could have spelled disaster,” concluded Murphy.
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Two Irishmen looking for work see a sign that reads TREE FELLERS WANTED. “Oh, now, look at that,” said Paddy. “What a pity there’s only de two of us!”
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Mrs Pete Monaghan came into the newspaper office to pay for her husband’s death notice. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar per word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. So she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.” The newsman took a look and said he thought old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words at no charge.
Mrs Pete Monaghan thanked him and changed it to: “Pete died. Boat for sale”.
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”. The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we’ll take four of them birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry. “Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. “I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, “Screw that, this budgie jumpin’ is too dangerous for me…”
A minute later, Seamus arrives at the cliff. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. “Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot’s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejasus, that parrotshootin’ is also too dangerous for me.”
A few minutes later, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag. However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the same result as the other two men. Once more Paddy shakes his head – “Acchh, first there was Gerry wit’ his budgie jumping, then Seamus parrotshootin’ and now this hen gliding…”
