Funniest thing for an NPC to say?

[Prince Caspian]

Blah, I'm bored. How about this....

Play pseudoprogrammer. Set a condition, NPC type, and what you'd have them say. Get creative...

For example:

Condition: PC has neon orange hair.
NPC Type: Any
Line: "Pleased to meet you, Mr. Rotten. How are the rest of the Sex Pistols?"

 

[Sarsmi]

I may have tweaked your rules a little bit...

Condition: monster loots your corpse of < 10k gold
Monster: "Is this all ya got?"

Condition: monster loots your corpse of > 10k gold
Monster: "INow mom can get that operation!"

Condition: your character is naked
Every NPC on screen: Let the good times roll!
Paperdoll: a bead necklace appears around your neck

Condition: Player vendor hits 1b gold
Effect: Vendor vanishes, "wanted" posters with their name appear all over Britain

Condition: Players in luna bank who haven't moved in an hour
Effect: Their title becomes "A giant paperweight"

 

[Black Sun]

I thought this was going to be another thread about handing a board to an NPC.
"Art thou giving me wood? I thank thee!"

That still makes me laugh.

 

[JC the Builder]

 

[Poo]

you are pvping in town (probablly factions)
and you take a dirt nap.

closest NPC yells "That's gonna leave a mark!"

or

"he's gonna feel that one tomorow"

or

"His Leetsauce Pawned your Nooblet azz"


condition: your red and you recall into town right beside a NPC
result : NPC says "holy hell! you scared the hell out of me!"


condition: you run up to the healer as a ghost at the healer hut in town
result : NPC healer starts to fumble around and starts mumbling "ok... ive read about this.... i can do this.... i can DO this... ok dont think about it, just do what you've been taught, and dont look directlly at the ghost.... ok now ive waited too long and he's gonna know im new at this, ackward, ok, smile, pretend you know what your doing"


you attack a healer in the forest so the fella you just killed cant use it to res.
the NPC healer hickes up his brown robe and starts to **** talk ya
"really, seriouslly? where gonna play this game are we? you really wanna go to this place? Time for papa to open up a can of whhhhhooop ass on your buttocks! I'm SO gonna res you kill you!!!"

 

[Endrik]

LoL. Keep em coming, this is the best idea for a thread I have seen in a while.

 

[Poo]

you run on screen and 2 NPC's are standing beside each other.

the ones says to the other "oh shoot, k, he's right behind you, just pretend like he's not here and maybe he will go away"

that one would be the funniest, cause so many people who play UO are black helicopter watchers in RL.

 

[LSRemy]

Condition: NPC sees you standing next to him without movement for more than 2 mins.
NPC Says: "Hey you want to snoop my pouch?"

Condition: NPC Sees you drinking Ale.
NPC says: "Not you again, please be good this time"

Condition: NPC sees you walk by with a GD.
NPC says: "You gotta park that somewhere buddy"

Condition: NPC Paladin sees you walk by with a Skree.
NPC Paladin Says: *Sees Skree* & *Snickers*

 

[Jhym]

Condition: your character has drunk/eaten/been spelled with more than 10 effects within 2 minutes
Action 1: A guard appears nearby "We are aware of significant drug activity in this area, stop immediately or you'll be jailed."
Action 2: A npc in ratty clothes and carrying a "Wilde staph" appears, follows your character for a few minutes asking for "some of the good stuff, I know you have it, man."

Condition 2: if character does any more effects within 1 minute
Action 1: Character gains title "XXXX addict", where XXXX is the item/effect they used the most in the past 3 minutes. Wears off in ten minutes.
Action 2: A npc noble appears, with ten bodyguards (guard ignore), demanding you give him your "stuff". If you don't hand it one of the items it wants (apples, potions, etc) the whole posse beats your bottom.



Condition: You've dropped a bag of items on the ground and not picked it up within 30 seconds.
Action: A guard elf appears and "Pick up your crap, you obnoxious human"/"Pick up those things, what kind of elf ARE you?"/"Pick that up or I'll take you to the queen."

condition 2: If not picked up within 30 seconds
Action: You gain the title "Obnoxious Britannian Litterbug". Can only be removed by throwing 100 things into a trash barrel. One at a time.

 

[Luna du Selene]

Condition: Players in luna bank who haven't moved in an hour
Effect: Their title becomes "A giant paperweight"

This made me laugh..

 

[Rosalinda]

The player vendors come up with some pithy comments when you customise them!

And have you ever tried dropping food on NPC's? In general they're quite appreciative, and belch most satisfactorily, altho they do seem to have hollow legs!!

But the best one is Nix, provisioner in the Gauntlet "safe" room - who's tried him? If you have, you'll know what I mean

If not, DO try him - if you can't stand the suspense, I'll tell you.

 

[uoBuoY]

2 NPCs walk from house to house...
Sound: knock knock
"We're from the Jehovah Witnesses..."

You give the wrong item to an NPC...
"I would prefer if thou gave me wood,
big boy!"

"Adventurer, I have a task for you...
Hey you, adventurer I'm talking to you!
Don't just ignore me because I'm an NPC.
Get back here!"

Whenever 2 Cus meet, one should try to hump the other.

While crafting something...
"You do not have the proper ingredients or brains (obviously!) for that"

Smith NPC...
"Enough with the BoDs already. Day in day out BoDs, BoDs, BoDs. I'm fed up with BoDs. Go do something else!"

 

[Sweeney]

*Yawn*

 

[Eyes of Origin]

lol those were pretty good, cant wait to see whatelse you guys can come up with

 

[Eyes of Origin]

you are pvping in town (probablly factions)
and you take a dirt nap.

closest NPC yells "That's gonna leave a mark!"

or

"he's gonna feel that one tomorow"

or

"His Leetsauce Pawned your Nooblet azz"


condition: your red and you recall into town right beside a NPC
result : NPC says "holy hell! you scared the hell out of me!"


condition: you run up to the healer as a ghost at the healer hut in town
result : NPC healer starts to fumble around and starts mumbling "ok... ive read about this.... i can do this.... i can DO this... ok dont think about it, just do what you've been taught, and dont look directlly at the ghost.... ok now ive waited too long and he's gonna know im new at this, ackward, ok, smile, pretend you know what your doing"


you attack a healer in the forest so the fella you just killed cant use it to res.
the NPC healer hickes up his brown robe and starts to **** talk ya
"really, seriouslly? where gonna play this game are we? you really wanna go to this place? Time for papa to open up a can of whhhhhooop ass on your buttocks! I'm SO gonna res you kill you!!!"

These have to be my favorites so far

 

[Daga Taga]

Great idea's I had a good laugh! Thank You all!

 

[Yellow Beard]

condition: you run up to the healer as a ghost at the healer hut in town result :
NPC healer starts to fumble around and starts mumbling "ok... ive read about this.... i can do this.... i can DO this... ok dont think about it, just do what you've been taught, and dont look directlly at the ghost.... ok now ive waited too long and he's gonna know im new at this, ackward, ok, smile, pretend you know what your doing"

This is seriously funny

 

[maroite]

you are pvping in town (probablly factions)
and you take a dirt nap.

closest NPC yells "That's gonna leave a mark!"

or

"he's gonna feel that one tomorow"
or

"His Leetsauce Pawned your Nooblet azz"


condition: your red and you recall into town right beside a NPC
result : NPC says "holy hell! you scared the hell out of me!"


condition: you run up to the healer as a ghost at the healer hut in town
result : NPC healer starts to fumble around and starts mumbling "ok... ive read about this.... i can do this.... i can DO this... ok dont think about it, just do what you've been taught, and dont look directlly at the ghost.... ok now ive waited too long and he's gonna know im new at this, ackward, ok, smile, pretend you know what your doing"


you attack a healer in the forest so the fella you just killed cant use it to res.
the NPC healer hickes up his brown robe and starts to **** talk ya
"really, seriouslly? where gonna play this game are we? you really wanna go to this place? Time for papa to open up a can of whhhhhooop ass on your buttocks! I'm SO gonna res you kill you!!!"

Bold: You play WAY too much Madden... lol

It would be funny if some npcs that rarely get killed, like healers had chances to really own face. Like when they spawn they spawned 7x Legendary with crazy hidden stats.

Condition: GD kills someone in pvp.
GD: "Crap... Mythics gonna nerf me again..."

or

Condition: GD kills someone in pvp.
GD to Tamer: "Well I gotta log, time to go defend myself on the forums against slayer wielding, paladin samurai whiners. You'll be ok without me, right?"

 

[Nexus]

Condition: Mongbat get a kill shot on a player
Reaction: Mongbat says "You're not in Kansas anymore Toto!"

Condition: Thief steals from you in Guard Zone in the presence of an NPC and doesn't flag.
Reaction: NPC says "I didn't see anything..did you see anything?"

Condition: You've spent more than 3 hours working Imbuing at the soulforge in the Royal City.
Reaction: The NPC's around it start a conversation as follows.
NPC 1 "Hey you think we should mug this guy?"
NPC 2 "Hey there's an idea!"
NPC 3 whispers to player "Hey Buddy, I think you might want to get outta here."


Condition: Player accidently kills themselves with own pet.
Reaction: Pet says "I told you I wanted Steak!"

 

[Sarsmi]

Condition: Player tries to tame an animal and fails
Animal says: I'm not falling for your "lets be friends" bull****!

 

[maroite]

Condition: Player tries to tame an animal and fails
Animal says: I'm not falling for your "lets be friends" bull****!

or

Animal says: "The cake is a lie!"

 

[DarkVoid]

Back in the day when NPCs had the ability to carry on (limited) chats with players, a friend and I spent the evening traveling the lands, trying different conversations with them.

Us to NPC, "So how's your sex life been recently?"
NPC to us, "Very good, I thank you."

This really happened.

I'm not sure what triggered it off, but back in the days when you had the ability to gate dozens of escorts around and had an "I will take thee" macro one of my characters said something to an NPC, and their response was "I think ... I don't think, do I, now?"

 

[Fink]

you: *milks a cow*
cow: "Oh, baby.."

 

[Yalp]

Tamer: kills self with pet
Pet: :rolls eyes: Could you be any stupider?

Tamer: kills self with pet
Pet: For the love of Pete! I hope the guys back in the stables don't hear about this.

Player: Attempting to Sat/Disco train in the Veld
Sat: Really? How lazy do you have to be?

Player: Turning in quest to Percolum the Hunter
Percolum: If you tell me which title you are looking for we can save each other alot of time.

Lady Mel: What? Again? Oh for the love of .... Just hanging out here, bothering no one, trying to finish my knitting... always the people coming into my home and trying to beat the snot out of me.... how about I sneak into your house when you are in the privy? Open a can of stink on you? Next time you're hosting a Meet and Greet you'd better watch your back.

Dread Horn: Whoa! Is this whacky grass? I see dead people.

 

[Zyon Rockler]

I think it would be great if they redid the way NPCs interact, maybe using a completely new system by building character types where certain NPCs would have different personalities and attitudes causing them to pick from negative or positive groups, etc...

This also makes me think about the cities and the way they could change, like spreading out all those grouped shops. I get sick of seeing all the same shops in every town with no difference to them.

It would be nice if NPCs owned their own houses and you could go and rob their houses and kill their families. I know that sounds alittle negative but the more positive things in life are harder to think of. Maybe there could be special NPCs.

Like, where you lose durability, maybe a Legendary Smith NPC would live in a tower, randomnly placed in some obscure island so if you go to him you don't lose durability.

Maybe, even close banks so that when the banks are closed it might trigger the guards in the area to say The nearest bank open is,...

I just think an overhaul of the whole system would be excellent. It could bring new life to the RP community, kinda like building a single player experience inside a multiplayer game, so you could interact more.

How about NPCs in player homes that walk around and have personalities set by players or types of characters, where you could literally interact, stealing, killing, maybe even argueing with the NPC.

NPCs used to say alot of things. It would be great if they would be able to pick from an infinite pool of random combinations.

 

[Michael Wolf]

Condition: Player tries to tame an animal and fails
Animal says: I'm not falling for your "lets be friends" bull****!

Condition: Player with a "Zoo Title" tries to tame an animal and fails
Animal says: Oh no, I know you, you work for the zoo.

 

[uoBuoY]

NPC:
"You have worn out your tool but you're still giving me wood!"

 

[Gus of Llanowar]

It would be nice if NPCs owned their own houses and you could go and rob their houses and kill their families. I know that sounds alittle negative but the more positive things in life are harder to think of. Maybe there could be special NPCs.

Wow thats a little disturbing....

I think a simple one would be if a healer would just say "you again!" after rezing you. hmm or maybe sometimes the mondain ones in tram not heal you from time to time and say "i just dont feel like it"!

 

[MalagAste]

I wish they could turn the npc's back on... they used to say some neat stuff.

I remember stories from the tillerman... those were great.

I think there are loads of things that animals and npc's should say.

Like the second or third time you get a rez from an npc:
"Should I restore your youth status while I'm at it?"

Priests of Mondain should say things like:
"Through the Power of Mondain, I bring you life!" When they rez you.

Regular Wandering Healers should say:
"Walk with Virtue, my friend".... and/or "The power of Virtue is with you." if your Glorious or better... and they shouldn't rez you at all if your Dread or worse.

I think shopkeepers should speak to you differently based on your Karma and Fame... if your Glorious Lord or Lady they should treat you like a Knight or Lord... and if you are Dread Lord or Lady they should act somewhat fearful like:
"*fummbles with hands shaking their voice quivers* "H-hhow m m may I h-help you?" You say vendor Sell or Vendor Buy.

If your Dread Lord or Lady I think lesser evil creatures like Mongbats, imps and some of the lessor undead like skeletons and things should give you a wide berth and not attack you.

Vendors in Umbra should treat those who are of Negative Karma better than those with Good Karma and they should be cruel to those who use Chivalry... and they should say nasty things to those with Good Karma... the Opposite should happen if someone who has Negative Karma or is a Necromancer buys things in Luna the Vendors should be snippy about it... And tell them things like "Go back to Umbra you Vile creature before I call the guards on you!"

Healers in Luna should say things differently than other healers and treat people differently based on Karma... Same with Umbra.

Healers in New Haven could say things like... "Better luck next time my friend." or "Welcome back to the Living." "If at first you don't succeed try, try, try again."

Sometimes healers should go... "Whoa! That had to hurt!"

NPC thieves and beggars should say things to you based on Karma....

I always thought that the npc's should act differently based on what town you were in too.

In tokuno they would say things far differently than in Luna or Brit...

And in more remote towns like Jhelom they might say to elves.... "Don't get many of your kind round here."

"Say your one of those pointy ears I keep hearing about aren't you?"

And to Gargoyles npc's might act fearful....
Perhaps sometimes screaming "Ack! Guards!... Oh my!".... and "Where are the guards! Help!".... "Go away beastly thing!"

Then in Ter Mur the Gargoyle npc's should say things to humans and elves differently... and would be more "trusting" of other gargoyles.

 

[Zyon Rockler]

Devs place a house next to you, they put in spawn, NPC family, Mom, Dad, 2 Brothers. In Tram it's a family of red thieves, Fel, blue, sweet, nice people. You go in the house, they say, "Who are you, what do you want?"

You walk around looking in chests and find one locked, you pick it open and take something out. NPCs start yelling, "Thief" and go into war mode. All the NPCs start to hit you. One is a mage, other a warrior and they are yelling, "Give that back, you dirty thief."

Then, you go into war mode and kill one and now they start yelling, "You murderer, a killer." The woman NPC runs away and out of the house yelling, "Guards help me, God please help us" cause she had coward in her.

The others stay because they are brave but dumb, lol. So, you kill another one. Now the last NPC turns coward and runs in corners saying, "Please don't kill me, Noooo, God I beg you." You change weps, now you have a hally.

NPC says, "That's a big wep....sound of cutting flesh, thud" you cut him clear in half. Now you are free to clear out all of the families posessions.

Now, the good part is for every NPC you kill, you get a bounty and if a player kills you, they get the gold and if the guards find you, you pay a fine and for red NPCs, you turn in bounties to get a reward for Notorious NPCs.

Really neat items could be spawned in the chest and NPCs could be made realistic and also carry unique items.

The house stays there, just the NPC's and the house contents respawn, that is if something like this were to happen.