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EM Site Feed 17 – 24 March : Patrick the green tavern troll (and friends)

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Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.



A long time ago, in a peaceful forest, lived a small, green goblin. Patrick was his name. He never wished anybody any harm, and avoided trouble with a skill that would have amazed the most dexterous thief – if this land had such people.

Patrick lived in a small goblin-barrow with his elderly mother, who he cared for, as all doting little goblin boys should. If his mother needed her toe-jelly cleaning out, he was there. If she needed her moustache waxed, Patrick was on hand with a jar of freshly squeezed reaper-wax. If her hairy legs needed plucking, he was out there, eagerly finding the largest hair-eating bouras in the land. Yes, Patrick and mother lived a simple, but happy life, deep in the peaceful forest.

But one day, an unscrupulous tavern keeper came to the forest, looking for new ales to sell, and maybe a new tavern wench to keep the patrons happy. He’d heard of a beautiful woman with light green skin, and an amazing complexion, kept pure by her young minder. He meant to have her as his tavern’s star attraction.

He came upon the barrow, and burst inside, expecting to behold a glorious sight, a vision of beauty unlike any ever before seen. Instead, his eyes fixed on Patrick, waving a handful of slugs across his dear mother’s back, while a small, yet tame kraken peeked out from a barrel of water, its tentacles plucking warts from her hindquarters.

The tavern keeper screamed. Then fainted. Patrick and his mother looked at him, looked at each other, and went back to what they’d been doing.

When he woke, the tavern keeper was furious. “What have they done to you, my fair one?” he yelled “How have they turned you into this hideous apparition?”

Patrick and his mother looked at him again, looked at each other again, shrugged, and went back to what they’d been doing. The kraken gurgled.

“This cannot stand! I will not have it!” bellowed the tavern keeper, reaching into a pouch that was strapped to his belt. “My brother gave me magic for just such an occasion as this! Behold, the anti-polymorph glyphs!”

He hurled a glowing rune at Patrick’s mother, but Patrick leaped in the way – just slightly too late. The rune glanced off his shoulder, encompassing him in a bright green glow, bounced off the kraken, and hit his mother squarely between the eyes. She vanished in a cloud of green sparks.

“Whatoo do ta muvver??” screamed Patrick in horror.

“What did YOU do to my glyph??” screamed the tavern keeper. “You’ve damaged the spell! She was supposed to be made beautiful again, and sent to my tavern! Now I have no idea what she will look like, and she could be in any tavern in the world!”

His angry rant was cut short as Patrick, still glowing, grew to several times his normal size, and bit off the tavern keeper’s head.

From that day to this, Patrick roams the land, wearing his new troll-like form, travelling from tavern to tavern, desperately seeking his dear mother, and enacting vengeance on anyone who even vaguely looks like the tavern keeper…

Who knows? If you hear heavy footsteps in the night, if you see a green glow approaching, if the ale curdles and the wine turns to vinegar – Patrick the green tavern troll might come and visit YOU!

Now run along to bed children, and dream sweet dreams.

What you need to know

Patrick has gained friends, and quite a following over the years. If he even exists. From time to time, you might find one of them in or around one of your favourite drinking holes.

So, from the 17th to the 24th, completely at random, green monsters will appear here and there. On the evening of the 24th, Patrick himself should put in an appearance, sometime after 5 pm EST.

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