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Zen(Europa)
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<a target="_blank" href=http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/uo/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=uoeuropa&Number=1807927&page=2&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=1&part=>Episode One: The Disappearance of Kofu... </a>
<a target="_blank" href=http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/uo/showflat.php?Cat=3&Board=uoeuropa&Number=1812306&page=&view=&sb=&o=&vc=1>Episode Two: A Dark Plot Unveiled... </a>
<a target="_blank" href=http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/uo/showflat.php?Cat=3&Board=uoeuropa&Number=1826087&page=&view=&sb=&o=&vc=1>Episode Three: Council Chaos... </a>
<a target="_blank" href=http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/uo/showflat.php?Cat=3&Board=uoeuropa&Number=1841679&page=&view=&sb=&o=&vc=1>Episode Four: A Rude Awakening </a>
Episode Five: Witch's Facet
Extract from the book of Kofu, lovingly transcribed, and somewhat embellished, by Barian.
In the beginning there was Kofu, the One, who in Sosaria was called Da King. First He created Wallet, and gave unto it boundless wealth. And long He dwelt upon the endless song of coin against coin, and was pleased. And from their delicate melody He brought forth the stars, that their tender light should shine upon His heavenly wealth. Henceforth, thought came unto Him, and from thought, word, and the word was commerce. And verily He caused to be a world of men, such that their trade and barter would be as sweet worship unto Him. Thus came, Sosaria...
Philosophers have conjectured that the existence of Kofu's Wallet alone is proof beyond reasonable doubt of dimensions beyond our own. For they theorise that its mass is such, that were it to entirely exist in this dimension then its incalculable gravity would cause the very universe to implode upon itself.
Kofu's Wallet is truly stuff of legend, and even to this day small tribes of tattooed, bone-wielding pigmian monks sit atop lonely mountain ridges chanting the words "Koooofuuuu... Waaalleeet...." religiously in the hope that some faint glimmer of inner enlightenment, if not wealth, will be forthcoming.
.....
In the depths of the largest ethereal bank container ever known in the existence of mankind, lay Kofu's Wallet, pulsating sporadically. Wallet wasn't happy. It had become accustomed to it's master's weekly stroking, so was more than just a little miffed about his recent, apparent lack of attention.
Kofu's Wallet assuming a rather bloated leathery expression, pondered to itself "Fiddlesticks! Being a self-aware, inter-dimensional entity is all well and good, but if I cant get a good tickle every now and then, then what's the point?!", and continued to pout some more for good measure.
Wallet's inter-dimensional sulking was beginning to have a negative effect on facet stability across the shards. People had been experiencing problems opening portals, and facet travel was becoming a tad unpredictable. Eventually, Wallet's demand for attention got the better of it leading to a big stinky, leathery fit, causing inter-facet ripples to cascade through land.
For a brief moment, everything froze, as if being subjected to some kind of mysterious time lag. Facet gates around the land started to shudder violently, and then with a sudden loud pop and a strange, sickly slipping sensation, both facets merged into one.
In the newly merged facet, houses started to appear on top of each other, collapsing instantly, and spreading the contents for all to loot. The trees looked even odder, with leaves on one side but none on the other. Shouts of "I 0wnz3r j00 7r@m n3wb f00" were heard everywhere, intermingled with pleas of "Desist! Thou art a foul murding dog. Be off with you lest you feel the lash of my tongue!"
.....
Meanwhile, in Deceit Elder Gazer room, Lord Max Power had been doing a spot of hunting. His pet dragons "a" and "b" were lashing into gazers by the dozen, whilst Lord Max Power lounged on his mobile throne, eating sandwiches from a small wooden chest marked 'Crafted with Exception Quality by Valfreyja'.
Lord Max Power was somewhat startled by the disconcerting wobbliness of the space-time around him, then even more so by the unexpected appearance of "The Murderer" Nisma.
"I dunno what the world is coming to!" ranted Nisma. "You sit there on yer bloody stool eating your damned Valfreyja sandwiches while yer fecking pets do all the bloody hard work for you! What kind of world do you think we are living in?!"
Lord Max Power gaped slightly, drawing half a breath as if to speak before being abruptly interrupted again.
"Now, I've nothing against you having your own style, but for fecks sake you could at least take a fecking interest! You don't catch me just sitting back and telling my mace to go ALL KILL do ya?! Frankly it's makes me fecking sick. I've shat more effort out of my arse than you put into your fecking hunting!"
Lord Max Power rose half out of his chair in amazement before being soundly mulletted around the skull with a large magical war hammer of vanquishing.
Nisma took a moment to laugh evilly at Lord Max Power's death, before rummaging though his victim's belongings.
"oooOOOOOOoooo" protested Lord Max Power feebly, as Nisma retrieved several valuable spangley items from Lord Max Power's lifeless corpse.
"This just isn't on!", shouted Load Max Power, "I'm gonna call a GM!", he exclaimed.
"I'm sorry, but I don't speak in oooOOOooo", replied Nisma indifferently.
Raising his grey face up to the skies in outrage, Lord Max Power cried out for the intervention of the Gods, "Trammel & Felluca have merged, and I got killed by a murderer and lost all my things! Can I have them back please?!"
A rather nasally, female, receptionist-sounding voice replied in the back of his mind, "You are number 371 in the queue. Thank you for using our God-Direct(tm) communication service. We are sorry to keep you waiting. Your plea for help will be answered shortly. Press your left nipple to be have piped music while you wait, or your right one to cancel your plea for help. We value your existence and will try to have a lesser deity deal with your plea as soon as is godly possible. Have a nice day."
Ages seemed to pass as Lord Max Power waited for the numbers in his mind to count to 0. Finally a haughty-sounding lady's voice replied in his mind.
"Yes, what is it now?" snapped GM Xena.
"I just told you. Something's wrong with the facets. I got murdered in Trammel! All stuff stolen! I'm dead! Now WHAT are you going to do about it?!"
Lord Max Power heard a faint muffled murmuring as if Xena was consulting with another God "This guys got stuck and I haven't even finished painting my toe nails yet! He said something about facets??? What are they again? and PeeKay.. isn't that a brand of serial or something...??". A strange paper shuffling sound echoed in Lord Max Power's mind. Finally, Xena replied in the style of someone reading from a card prompt, "Peekays aren't allowed in Trammel, but seeing as I have no way of knowing the exact circumstance of your situation, I shall banish you both from the land forever. Have a nice day."
.....
"Oh my God! The Facets are converging! Brace yourselves everyone!", shouted Orangebeard as the high council all slid through the portal vortex. "I can see an exit ahead. Jump for it !"
The High council all tumbled out of the portal exit, landing in a clump of tangled limbs. Close by was a sign post which read "Cross Roads - BEWARE!"
"What are you sad bunch doing here?" enquired Aloysius, frowning at the collective heap of babblers.
"We are on a quest to rescue Kofu from the evil clutches of the Imp Pimp", declared Barian defiantly. "What business is it of yours?"
"Well..." replied Aloysius, in a superior tone. "I find all this pretty lame. I think you all should get over a certain amount of things. Now you may ask me where is the credibility, and I should wage war over a simply kidnapping? Now of course you can say that I'm wrong and explain me why I'm wrong, or I may even ask the same question. But that doesn't make you look like somebody exemplary in terms of behaviour, tolerance, and second degree. I could even go on a rant about kidnapping, quests and other stuff or whatever. But if there's any advice I'd give away on this, I'd say sure guys don't be so stupid and superficial when there really is no matter to. Or then, be stuck-up and tight-assed all the way. It's both a matter of credibility and integrity, if you're in that kind of quest for gratification. Now, I could have asked why the heck you want to rescue Kofu, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't understand the exact reason."
The council members stared uncomprehendingly at Aloysius for a few moments, then noticed a tower with a sign above the door saying "Spectrum Witches Here!". The door to the tower opened, and out paraded a gaggle of large, bearded men wearing various coloured dresses.
"Well, hello there ladies" oozed Feersum, eyebrows wiggling coolly as he stepped forward to kiss the hand of each witch in turn.
"We r0xx3r j00, g@y f00s" cried Red, Blue, Green, Yellow, and Pokerdot witches in deep manly voices.
"Ills takez yerz all onz withz me bare handz..." slurred Thymaval, waving a flask of Fairy Juice(tm) threateningly at the witches, but unfortunately pouring most of it over himself in the process.
"Now look at the mess you've made!" scolded Valfreyja, dabbing Thymaval's tunic with a frilly silk hanky.
Puffing her chest out in an effort to make her flashing neon Miss Britannia 2001 sash even more eye-catching, Cen stepped forward to face the witches, "Don't worry boys, there's time for all that later. Now all kneel and ej******* for me!".
"Wooohooo!!! Does this mean that I get to use my Super Indistructo Pie Cannon of Slayerage then?", snaffled Kas grinning cheekily. "And remember... PIE!!! It's what's for dinner!"
"I was looking forward to fighting someone!" cried McLeod, running feverishly round the witches as fast as his little leggies could carry him.
"We could fight.... ", challenged Suldrun hotly, "But just remember that if I loose then its no big deal..... and if I win.... then you'll have been beaten by a Trammel n00b!.... But come fight me anyway, it'll make you feel better!"
"It's okay everyone" asserted Orangebeard, "We spoke earlier about the witches giving us directions to Imperia. Remember?"
"I AM TRAMMEL!" boomed Dain, stepping forward and extending a hand of friendship to the witches.
"Ah yes, absolutely!" smiled back the witches, shaking each of the council members' hands feverishly. "Terribly spiffing to meet you all. We have frequented the Pot Shop regularly. Splendid chap that Kofu. Dashed bad luck him being kidnapped and all what! Now lets see. Imperia, it's not that far. In fact we have a map to the location just inside the house. Come in and I'll pop and get it for you".
Fatigued after all the excitement of the day, The Council Members accepted the witch's kind offer, and went inside the tower for some much needed tea and crumpets.
To be continued...
PIE??!! That'll be a pund!!!
My badge from the London Meet ;P<P ID="edit"><FONT class="small">Edited by Zen(Europa) on 06/23/01 11:17 AM.</FONT></P>
<a target="_blank" href=http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/uo/showflat.php?Cat=3&Board=uoeuropa&Number=1812306&page=&view=&sb=&o=&vc=1>Episode Two: A Dark Plot Unveiled... </a>
<a target="_blank" href=http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/uo/showflat.php?Cat=3&Board=uoeuropa&Number=1826087&page=&view=&sb=&o=&vc=1>Episode Three: Council Chaos... </a>
<a target="_blank" href=http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/uo/showflat.php?Cat=3&Board=uoeuropa&Number=1841679&page=&view=&sb=&o=&vc=1>Episode Four: A Rude Awakening </a>
Episode Five: Witch's Facet
Extract from the book of Kofu, lovingly transcribed, and somewhat embellished, by Barian.
In the beginning there was Kofu, the One, who in Sosaria was called Da King. First He created Wallet, and gave unto it boundless wealth. And long He dwelt upon the endless song of coin against coin, and was pleased. And from their delicate melody He brought forth the stars, that their tender light should shine upon His heavenly wealth. Henceforth, thought came unto Him, and from thought, word, and the word was commerce. And verily He caused to be a world of men, such that their trade and barter would be as sweet worship unto Him. Thus came, Sosaria...
Philosophers have conjectured that the existence of Kofu's Wallet alone is proof beyond reasonable doubt of dimensions beyond our own. For they theorise that its mass is such, that were it to entirely exist in this dimension then its incalculable gravity would cause the very universe to implode upon itself.
Kofu's Wallet is truly stuff of legend, and even to this day small tribes of tattooed, bone-wielding pigmian monks sit atop lonely mountain ridges chanting the words "Koooofuuuu... Waaalleeet...." religiously in the hope that some faint glimmer of inner enlightenment, if not wealth, will be forthcoming.
.....
In the depths of the largest ethereal bank container ever known in the existence of mankind, lay Kofu's Wallet, pulsating sporadically. Wallet wasn't happy. It had become accustomed to it's master's weekly stroking, so was more than just a little miffed about his recent, apparent lack of attention.
Kofu's Wallet assuming a rather bloated leathery expression, pondered to itself "Fiddlesticks! Being a self-aware, inter-dimensional entity is all well and good, but if I cant get a good tickle every now and then, then what's the point?!", and continued to pout some more for good measure.
Wallet's inter-dimensional sulking was beginning to have a negative effect on facet stability across the shards. People had been experiencing problems opening portals, and facet travel was becoming a tad unpredictable. Eventually, Wallet's demand for attention got the better of it leading to a big stinky, leathery fit, causing inter-facet ripples to cascade through land.
For a brief moment, everything froze, as if being subjected to some kind of mysterious time lag. Facet gates around the land started to shudder violently, and then with a sudden loud pop and a strange, sickly slipping sensation, both facets merged into one.
In the newly merged facet, houses started to appear on top of each other, collapsing instantly, and spreading the contents for all to loot. The trees looked even odder, with leaves on one side but none on the other. Shouts of "I 0wnz3r j00 7r@m n3wb f00" were heard everywhere, intermingled with pleas of "Desist! Thou art a foul murding dog. Be off with you lest you feel the lash of my tongue!"
.....
Meanwhile, in Deceit Elder Gazer room, Lord Max Power had been doing a spot of hunting. His pet dragons "a" and "b" were lashing into gazers by the dozen, whilst Lord Max Power lounged on his mobile throne, eating sandwiches from a small wooden chest marked 'Crafted with Exception Quality by Valfreyja'.
Lord Max Power was somewhat startled by the disconcerting wobbliness of the space-time around him, then even more so by the unexpected appearance of "The Murderer" Nisma.
"I dunno what the world is coming to!" ranted Nisma. "You sit there on yer bloody stool eating your damned Valfreyja sandwiches while yer fecking pets do all the bloody hard work for you! What kind of world do you think we are living in?!"
Lord Max Power gaped slightly, drawing half a breath as if to speak before being abruptly interrupted again.
"Now, I've nothing against you having your own style, but for fecks sake you could at least take a fecking interest! You don't catch me just sitting back and telling my mace to go ALL KILL do ya?! Frankly it's makes me fecking sick. I've shat more effort out of my arse than you put into your fecking hunting!"
Lord Max Power rose half out of his chair in amazement before being soundly mulletted around the skull with a large magical war hammer of vanquishing.
Nisma took a moment to laugh evilly at Lord Max Power's death, before rummaging though his victim's belongings.
"oooOOOOOOoooo" protested Lord Max Power feebly, as Nisma retrieved several valuable spangley items from Lord Max Power's lifeless corpse.
"This just isn't on!", shouted Load Max Power, "I'm gonna call a GM!", he exclaimed.
"I'm sorry, but I don't speak in oooOOOooo", replied Nisma indifferently.
Raising his grey face up to the skies in outrage, Lord Max Power cried out for the intervention of the Gods, "Trammel & Felluca have merged, and I got killed by a murderer and lost all my things! Can I have them back please?!"
A rather nasally, female, receptionist-sounding voice replied in the back of his mind, "You are number 371 in the queue. Thank you for using our God-Direct(tm) communication service. We are sorry to keep you waiting. Your plea for help will be answered shortly. Press your left nipple to be have piped music while you wait, or your right one to cancel your plea for help. We value your existence and will try to have a lesser deity deal with your plea as soon as is godly possible. Have a nice day."
Ages seemed to pass as Lord Max Power waited for the numbers in his mind to count to 0. Finally a haughty-sounding lady's voice replied in his mind.
"Yes, what is it now?" snapped GM Xena.
"I just told you. Something's wrong with the facets. I got murdered in Trammel! All stuff stolen! I'm dead! Now WHAT are you going to do about it?!"
Lord Max Power heard a faint muffled murmuring as if Xena was consulting with another God "This guys got stuck and I haven't even finished painting my toe nails yet! He said something about facets??? What are they again? and PeeKay.. isn't that a brand of serial or something...??". A strange paper shuffling sound echoed in Lord Max Power's mind. Finally, Xena replied in the style of someone reading from a card prompt, "Peekays aren't allowed in Trammel, but seeing as I have no way of knowing the exact circumstance of your situation, I shall banish you both from the land forever. Have a nice day."
.....
"Oh my God! The Facets are converging! Brace yourselves everyone!", shouted Orangebeard as the high council all slid through the portal vortex. "I can see an exit ahead. Jump for it !"
The High council all tumbled out of the portal exit, landing in a clump of tangled limbs. Close by was a sign post which read "Cross Roads - BEWARE!"
"What are you sad bunch doing here?" enquired Aloysius, frowning at the collective heap of babblers.
"We are on a quest to rescue Kofu from the evil clutches of the Imp Pimp", declared Barian defiantly. "What business is it of yours?"
"Well..." replied Aloysius, in a superior tone. "I find all this pretty lame. I think you all should get over a certain amount of things. Now you may ask me where is the credibility, and I should wage war over a simply kidnapping? Now of course you can say that I'm wrong and explain me why I'm wrong, or I may even ask the same question. But that doesn't make you look like somebody exemplary in terms of behaviour, tolerance, and second degree. I could even go on a rant about kidnapping, quests and other stuff or whatever. But if there's any advice I'd give away on this, I'd say sure guys don't be so stupid and superficial when there really is no matter to. Or then, be stuck-up and tight-assed all the way. It's both a matter of credibility and integrity, if you're in that kind of quest for gratification. Now, I could have asked why the heck you want to rescue Kofu, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't understand the exact reason."
The council members stared uncomprehendingly at Aloysius for a few moments, then noticed a tower with a sign above the door saying "Spectrum Witches Here!". The door to the tower opened, and out paraded a gaggle of large, bearded men wearing various coloured dresses.
"Well, hello there ladies" oozed Feersum, eyebrows wiggling coolly as he stepped forward to kiss the hand of each witch in turn.
"We r0xx3r j00, g@y f00s" cried Red, Blue, Green, Yellow, and Pokerdot witches in deep manly voices.
"Ills takez yerz all onz withz me bare handz..." slurred Thymaval, waving a flask of Fairy Juice(tm) threateningly at the witches, but unfortunately pouring most of it over himself in the process.
"Now look at the mess you've made!" scolded Valfreyja, dabbing Thymaval's tunic with a frilly silk hanky.
Puffing her chest out in an effort to make her flashing neon Miss Britannia 2001 sash even more eye-catching, Cen stepped forward to face the witches, "Don't worry boys, there's time for all that later. Now all kneel and ej******* for me!".
"Wooohooo!!! Does this mean that I get to use my Super Indistructo Pie Cannon of Slayerage then?", snaffled Kas grinning cheekily. "And remember... PIE!!! It's what's for dinner!"
"I was looking forward to fighting someone!" cried McLeod, running feverishly round the witches as fast as his little leggies could carry him.
"We could fight.... ", challenged Suldrun hotly, "But just remember that if I loose then its no big deal..... and if I win.... then you'll have been beaten by a Trammel n00b!.... But come fight me anyway, it'll make you feel better!"
"It's okay everyone" asserted Orangebeard, "We spoke earlier about the witches giving us directions to Imperia. Remember?"
"I AM TRAMMEL!" boomed Dain, stepping forward and extending a hand of friendship to the witches.
"Ah yes, absolutely!" smiled back the witches, shaking each of the council members' hands feverishly. "Terribly spiffing to meet you all. We have frequented the Pot Shop regularly. Splendid chap that Kofu. Dashed bad luck him being kidnapped and all what! Now lets see. Imperia, it's not that far. In fact we have a map to the location just inside the house. Come in and I'll pop and get it for you".
Fatigued after all the excitement of the day, The Council Members accepted the witch's kind offer, and went inside the tower for some much needed tea and crumpets.
To be continued...
PIE??!! That'll be a pund!!!
My badge from the London Meet ;P<P ID="edit"><FONT class="small">Edited by Zen(Europa) on 06/23/01 11:17 AM.</FONT></P>
