Greetings all, I am your reporter "Arolla Sausagemaker", and you've come to the right place for fair and balanced reporting on the forthcoming elections for Lord Protector!
And wot a bunch o'rotters eh? They promise a great deal, but did any of them have nice clean white robes eh? Can you trust someone who can't even wash themselves?! Well, there was that one candidate, but you'd never have heard about them if the namby pamby, liberal media had their way! But here at the Daily Sausage we're not afraid to say that this candidate was A(*snip* - Electoral Fairness Editor).
So what did these mostly made of gob****es have to say for themselves then? We report the speeches as they were made... YOU decide who you want to vote for! And WE tell you it should be (*snip again* - EFE)!!!
And there is still time for more candidates to enter! Get your submissions in before Midnight, Thursday the 17th! But don't bother because (*snip, and I won't tell you again about this* - Furious EFE)
First Declared Candidate: Nathan Hawke
WE SAY NO!
Do not elect this dangerous mad man!
* (Electoral Fairness Editor - We think he actually meant "the lives" there; it's a simple typographical mistake, and does not imply any lack of quality on the candidate's part)
Second Declared Candidate: Fynn Barrett.
Third Declared Candidate: Escaflowne.
Escaflowne will be at Castle Blackthorne on Monday the 14th to give his campaigning speeches. The EMs will organise gates, presumably from the Councillors Hall.
* (Which is Vesper, still part of Britannia, and a City that has given much military help to their neighbours in recent history - EFE)
Fourth Declared Candidate: Kou of Trinsic
Kou will be campaigning on Thursday the 17th, at her Tavern outside of Trinsic Walls. A gate will be provided to it.
Fifth Declared Candidate: Alaster The Mad
Alaster will be at The Councillors Hall on Wednesday the 16th to continue talking about pants...
The Daily Sausage can only quote this exchange in full to capture the true essence of the man, the monomania, and the miracle that is The Mad's campaign;
(*sighs* - Electoral Fairness Editor)
Sixth Declared Candidate: Aron Swordmaster
This leviathan amongst men, this heroic hercules will be speaking at Courts Of Truth, Yew on Tuesday the 15th.
Seventh Declared Candidate: Irvyn.
Irvyn, Duke of Trinsic will be campaigining at The Councillors Hall on Thursday the 17th.
(The Election Fairness Editor would just like to point out that Irvyn has indeed been a well respected and loyal servant of Sosaria, and whilst he may be in possesion of a "bottom" himself, he is not defined by it)
Eigth Declared Candidate: Heimlich
This candidate owns a castle, and finks ee's better than all us working class stiffies; so does he hold his campaign meeting in his plush stately home? Nah, we're not good enough to be let in there! So he'll be campaigning at he doesn't know yet but we bet it won't be on his plush, million dollar carpet
And remember, we will be here all next week, and the week after, to report on this shameful denial of one man's righteous march towards victory! (*Oh god, there's two more weeks of this! Tell my wife I love her, but I may not make it through this horror... * - Electoral Fairness Editor)
And wot a bunch o'rotters eh? They promise a great deal, but did any of them have nice clean white robes eh? Can you trust someone who can't even wash themselves?! Well, there was that one candidate, but you'd never have heard about them if the namby pamby, liberal media had their way! But here at the Daily Sausage we're not afraid to say that this candidate was A(*snip* - Electoral Fairness Editor).
So what did these mostly made of gob****es have to say for themselves then? We report the speeches as they were made... YOU decide who you want to vote for! And WE tell you it should be (*snip again* - EFE)!!!
And there is still time for more candidates to enter! Get your submissions in before Midnight, Thursday the 17th! But don't bother because (*snip, and I won't tell you again about this* - Furious EFE)
First Declared Candidate: Nathan Hawke
But The Daily Sausage asks; do you really want to vote for someone who can't even spell "Elves"*, much less rule them? Do you want someone who screams and throws his hands in the air like he just don't care?
WE SAY NO!
Do not elect this dangerous mad man!
* (Electoral Fairness Editor - We think he actually meant "the lives" there; it's a simple typographical mistake, and does not imply any lack of quality on the candidate's part)
Second Declared Candidate: Fynn Barrett.
However, the Daily Sausage says; This is a man who will only bribe you with FIVE out of EIGHT potential Virtues! A man who couldn't even be bothered to shamelessly shoe-horn in even one small bragging bit of Humility eh? What a cheap skate! You want to vote for this miserly git? No! You want to vote for (*choppy chop* - EFE)
Third Declared Candidate: Escaflowne.
Escaflowne will be at Castle Blackthorne on Monday the 14th to give his campaigning speeches. The EMs will organise gates, presumably from the Councillors Hall.
The Daily Sausage says: Filthy Vesper-heads! Coming over here, trying to get voted into our offices, trying to (*snip*) our women and (*snip*) our pets, always (*snip*) with their (*snip*) and then (*snip*)! Who do they think they are?! (*Snip*) (*Snip*)ington?! Well we say SEND HIM BACK WHERE HE CAME FROM! *
* (Which is Vesper, still part of Britannia, and a City that has given much military help to their neighbours in recent history - EFE)
Fourth Declared Candidate: Kou of Trinsic
Kou will be campaigning on Thursday the 17th, at her Tavern outside of Trinsic Walls. A gate will be provided to it.
WOT A STUNNA EH LADS? The Daily Sausage was at full attention for this little missy's speech; Wonder wot she had on beneath that Kimono?! We rushed as close as we could to the front of the stage to try and get some Papparazi shots, and (*instead we got an honest and direct to the point explanation of a courageous, budding politician's offer to our nation* - EFE)
Fifth Declared Candidate: Alaster The Mad
Alaster will be at The Councillors Hall on Wednesday the 16th to continue talking about pants...
The Daily Sausage can only quote this exchange in full to capture the true essence of the man, the monomania, and the miracle that is The Mad's campaign;
The Daily Sausage says; Why doesn't this man write for us?!. Get that man on the celebrity Pants-sniffing scene at once! Pants, we say! PAAAAANTS!
(*sighs* - Electoral Fairness Editor)
Sixth Declared Candidate: Aron Swordmaster
This leviathan amongst men, this heroic hercules will be speaking at Courts Of Truth, Yew on Tuesday the 15th.
The Daily Sausage says: (*SNIP* - I have removed many pages of frankly preposterous nonsense about this candidates supposed virtues, and virility, as well as highly blasphemous claims to his being the son of almost every possible major theological figure, as well as having read every major work on philosophy except for the ones he has written. I, as the Electoral Fairness Editor strongly advise you to make up your own mind based on the actual candidates testimonies, and not the scandalous electoral manipulation of certain interested parties! - EFE)
Seventh Declared Candidate: Irvyn.
Irvyn, Duke of Trinsic will be campaigining at The Councillors Hall on Thursday the 17th.
Sausage Says: Trinsic? TRINSIC?? That sounds a bit like... er... um... arse... doesn't it? Yer, arse. Would you vote for the Man From Arse? We thought not! And that stuff about peace? That's hippy talk! And the only thing worse than a hippy is... um... er... a hippy's arse! Dirty smelly hippies! Get your hair cut and get a job! And wipe yer arse!
(The Election Fairness Editor would just like to point out that Irvyn has indeed been a well respected and loyal servant of Sosaria, and whilst he may be in possesion of a "bottom" himself, he is not defined by it)
Eigth Declared Candidate: Heimlich
This candidate owns a castle, and finks ee's better than all us working class stiffies; so does he hold his campaign meeting in his plush stately home? Nah, we're not good enough to be let in there! So he'll be campaigning at he doesn't know yet but we bet it won't be on his plush, million dollar carpet
The Sausage Swears: No really, we saw him lighting a beggar on fire using rolled up one million gold checks! Sure, peace and prosperity and victory are nice things, but the important thing is we saw him doing something you shouldn't like, at least once, totally he did! (*No we didn't* - EFE) And anyway, "public service" is just another word for "Union Fat Cat!" (*No it isn't* - EFE) He talks a big game (*and very eloquently too* - EFE) but really he's just laughing at you behind your backs, his Private Butler said he heard Heimlich go "Ahahah -twirls mustache-, the electorate suck and I hate them!". When? Well, after we paid the butler 500k in gold coin, in a completely unconnected transaction! (* We bribed some bloke down the pub to say this, sorry* - EFE). Trust your Sausage!
And remember, we will be here all next week, and the week after, to report on this shameful denial of one man's righteous march towards victory! (*Oh god, there's two more weeks of this! Tell my wife I love her, but I may not make it through this horror... * - Electoral Fairness Editor)
Nice coverage, but I'm telling you for the last time I DON'T OWN A CASTLE!!!
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